Brain Detours

Sometimes I wonder if my depth only exists when I’m in pain. When I’m feeling good (like I am today) it’s more like ahhh, the breeze, the sun, the air… and that’s it. No complex thoughts. No deep dives into the meaning of the universe. No 3 a.m. research rabbit holes. Just quiet contentment. And yet, part of me wonders…what if I heal to the point where all the depth is pulled out of me? BORING. Okay, that part’s a joke. But seriously… it makes me wonder: do I truly have depth

I don’t really know how I feel today. I do know I enjoyed not having to hit the ground running this morning. We gained an hour yesterday, and by enjoyed, I mean I actually took a moment to think…wow, I’m up and not running late. Anyone who knows me knows I’m definitely not a person who’s late to anything… usually. My one exception? If you schedule something in the morning. Christian will either be exactly on time or five minutes to an hour late, depending on whether my body d

Woke up early this morning. Went to donate plasma. It’s helped me cue in—at least intellectually—to some of my body’s patterns. Like how when I feel mentally stable like this, my heart rate is always high. Resting somewhere between 100–114. Odd. Anyway, halfway through the donation, my nightmare from last night hit me. I’ll be honest: I’ve had nightmares my whole life, but this was by far the most violating one I’ve ever experienced. I’m not really sure how to feel about it.

Today has been really good. My brain has been quiet. When that happens, I try to do a few things…really soak it in, and remind myself that the bad days aren’t my fault. Because I know when those days come, they’ll feel like my fault. Saying it to myself now, when things feel still, helps me remember later when the noise returns. I got more housework done than I expected, and afterward, I had one of the best naps of my life. Now my wife is napping, and I snuck off to the store

Morning folks, Today’s a good mental health day. Woke up earlier than usual to head to work. We had a 5K event for St. Jude, and my main job was to make sure parking stayed structured so 18-wheelers could still pass through. The volunteers did an amazing job keeping things organized. After that, I headed home, got some housework done, and now I’m sitting here thinking about what I want to do next. Lately, I’ve been daydreaming about Scotland. A bunch of videos have been showi

Sometimes I get really disoriented and feel like I don’t know who I am. That’s how I’m feeling right now. I’m probably going to take some medicine. I’m starting to piece together that it might just be part of how I experience panic attacks. My thoughts start to race so much that I don’t know which direction to think in. I get so many contradicting thoughts at once that it makes my head spin. Then I start asking myself, what’s your real thought? Who are you really? But it’s no

I want to be transparent about the anger I feel and the emotions that come with it. But I also don’t want to step outside of my values in the process. Sometimes when I’m mad, I catch myself saying things that are shaped by my pain…things that reflect how someone feels to me in this moment, not necessarily who they are as a whole person. My perspective might be real, but it’s still just that — a perspective. I don’t like shit-talking. I don’t like bending someone’s image. I kn

Some nights, I get caught in my head about all the things I’ve done wrong in my life. The moments I wish I could take back. The ways I’ve reacted that didn’t feel like me, or at least, not the version of me I want to be. The words that landed wrong, the looks that hurt someone’s feelings, the tone that carried more sharpness than care. When I think about those moments, it’s hard not to feel like a bad person. There’s a weight that comes with shame, whispering reminders of eve

Watching the community come together when our government has failed them and still finding a way to make sure people are fed has filled my heart with so much warmth. There’s something about seeing people show up for each other that just gets to me. It’s a kind of care that reminds me of what we’re capable of when compassion leads the way. My heart still hurts for the people impacted, though. Even with all the help being offered, I know the stress of it all doesn’t just disapp

Okay folks, last night was a fucking winner. I slept. I fuckingggggg slept. You ever wake up and feel like the world just cracked open and let some sunlight back in? That’s me today. I wish I could bottle this energy and let you feel it. The way the fresh air whipped through my car windows on the drive to work, the way it felt alive again instead of heavy. Sure, I still needed coffee (let’s be honest, that’ll never change), but damn…what a difference a full night of rest make

I never thought I’d want to move away from the place I was born and raised, but the older I get, the more I crave quiet. A place where queerness isn’t hidden, just lived. I want to find a small, soft community to settle into. Where we plant flowers together and read books, drink coffee and tea as the sun rises, and sip hot chocolate while watching fireflies dance through the evening air. Where laughter is abundant, poetry is shared freely, and the bonds between us stretch dee

Have you ever been so sleep deprived that you’re in a perpetual state of sweat? That’s where I am. You would think being exhausted both physically and mentally would let me sleep through the night. But no. The universe insists that I be up… and I don’t know why. If something catastrophic happens, all I’m going to do is stare into the abyss while it happens. I can’t tell you the number of times something that requires action happens and I’m left frozen in place while my wife i

I feel like the universe knew I was going to need those AirPods bad today. I’ve been having a hard time with overstimulation this week and was right on the verge of a meltdown earlier. I had to leave the house, sit in a parking lot for a good minute, and just breathe. When I finally went into the store to grab a few things, every noise hit me at once: footsteps, sighs, the hum of the air conditioner, even the lights. It all felt like too much. So I put on some brown noise and

Awhile back I couldn’t find my left AirPod. One thing about me is that my headphones are like a lifeline. They’re how I move through the world on days where existing feels heavier. They give me a bit of cushion from the noise, a way to keep going even when I’m just at home. When I couldn’t find it, I ordered a cheap twenty-dollar pair to hold me over. I really hoped the brand wouldn’t matter. Wrong. Turns out, I can’t deviate from the AirPod. Anyway, the mystery was solved wh

I’m pretty frustrated with my sleep this week. I’ve been having to take Klonopin to fall asleep most nights, and then I struggle to wake up in the morning. The nights I’ve tried to tough it out (because I don’t like consistently taking this med without breaks), I either can’t fall asleep at all or, like tonight, I sleep for two hours and then I’m wide awake. My sleep is consistently filled with nightmares. I think that’s part of the problem, but I’m not fully sure. Sometimes

Lately I keep finding myself circling around the same thoughts, not searching for answers, just sitting in the wondering. How two people can drift and still feel near. How some connections hum quietly, even when no one’s talking. Maybe it’s care. Maybe it’s curiosity. Maybe it’s something softer that doesn’t need to be named. And sometimes I wonder what it is that lingers between people, if it reaches both of us or just echoes in me.

You ever wonder how much of your healing is concrete and how much is just a medicated state? I was asked recently if I still experience flashbacks outside of therapy, and honestly I don’t, not like I used to. Not even close. But I’ve also been in therapy for a decent amount of time now, and I’ve developed an understanding of what’s actually going on versus what I used to think was my fault. That shift changed my entire relationship with flashbacks. (Shoutout to my first thera

I keep circling back to this conflict in my mind. Part of me feels like the lesson right now is about tact . About learning how to soften the way I approach situations so it doesn’t land like an attack, but more like curiosity. And yet another part of me gets angry when I think that, because isn’t that the whole point of therapy? To learn how to do better? To learn how to approach things differently? That’s where the confusion sets in. Where exactly is the line? The line betw

I was reflecting today and realized that for people who don’t know me …and even for some who do, my strong emotions might make them feel uneasy, or worry that I can’t handle the waves I experience. I just want to reassure anyone who might feel that way: I’ve been living with this depth of emotion for most of my life. It can be intense, but it’s not new to me. I’ve learned how to navigate it, how to let it move through me, and how to take care of myself in the process. Even wh

I just discovered Vietnamese canned coffee. And canned draft lattes. It’s over for me. They’re too good. Like… how did no one warn me? That sweet, creamy, slightly dangerous kind of good. I keep telling myself, “just one more,” but now I’m basically a walking espresso bean with opinions. All I know is I’m hooked, and I regret nothing. A Liquid I.V. cancels it out, right?