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I’m feeling okay today. If I could describe what it feels like, it would be like this really heavy trench coat on my body. Like someone made a weighted trench coat, but it’s too heavy for it to be regulating. How do you stop longing for and missing two people who felt like soul mates? Even if I can’t be partners with my ex, having her in my life means a lot to me. And while it hurts to lose that kind of connection with her, having no connection would have shattered me complet

What fun would life be if a good day didn’t end with a pit of grief? It’s fine. It’ll pass. My heart just hurts. I’ll watch Heartstopper and cry about the beautiful queer love unfolding and about the grief I feel deep in my chest, that I wish could be resolved by a hello, a how are you? A conversation. Life doesn’t feel fair sometimes. This grief doesn’t feel fair.

I finished work yesterday with a meeting, then went to donate plasma. After donating, I went to play cards with some friends, and I stayed until around midnight, having a lot of fun, laughing and joking around with them. Honestly, even with getting home late, I slept better than I have in a while. The night before, I woke up to nightmares throughout the night. Last night, I dreamed I was carrying around a small baby that was mine, letting my grandparents hold them, visiting w

After therapy today, I can really feel my sense of body experience change. I feel like I’m pulled out of myself. And at the same time, I can feel things rising up into my chest, into my throat, expanding. I’ll be honest… starting over with this level of bodily insight, with this capacity, is weird. I feel wobbly. Being able to forgive my parents and have compassion for them as humans has been such a relieving feeling too. Because now I can connect with who they are, and not f

I actually did zero TV watching today. I didn’t have the attention span for it. Instead, I went over to my parents’ house and hung out with them, my brother and his wife, and my godson. I enjoyed the day. It’s funny how I was just beating myself up this morning about never having anything good to write about, and here I am, writing something good. Lol. I’m also over drinking. It felt good the first few days, and then it made my depression worse, which is not something I want

Writing here has been… helpful in ways. I’ve noticed patterns I wouldn’t have picked up on as easily if I were journaling. I think because when I journal, I write so much that it all just gets lost. Here, things feel a little more contained, and that’s made certain patterns easier to see. Right now, I notice three different reasons for grief at the forefront of my experience. My childhood stuff, the things that used to flood my day-to-day life, seems to have taken a back seat

Shifting has been a big part of my experience lately. Feeling different from moment to moment. Sometimes feeling like I’m floating more than I feel like I’m walking. And I don’t have the proper language to describe the feeling, or the capacity to remember enough to accurately describe what I mean. All I know is that when everything is constantly moving, it feels really difficult to pin down who you are. It’s part of why I think I’m always feeling so lonely and so disconnected

I’ve been having trouble letting my thoughts live here lately. Today the grief I feel has been overwhelming. When it’s intense like this, it’s hard to take a breath in. I wish I knew what triggers it to hit like this. It’s grief for a lot of different people, and for situations. And honestly, the weight of what’s going on, not just in our country, but in the world, has been heavy. I feel like there is pressure to have hope and find joy now, and I don’t know how to do that. I

It’s been nice to feel… well, I don’t know that I have a feeling word for it, but I know I don’t feel like the world is collapsing on top of me. I have therapy tomorrow, and I’m hoping this is the start of consistent weekly sessions. I feel like I haven’t had that in a long time. I’m also hoping my attachment system can bear the intimacy and vulnerability of therapy again. I know I’ll be in pain at points. I just hope it isn’t all-consuming. That fear is there, especially bec

I wish I could tell you what causes such extreme shifts, but I’m feeling a lot better. I’m not going to question it, I don’t want to accidentally pull myself back into the pits. This is a short update, but that’s because my brain is clear. ☺️

Closing eyes Within the mind There are several doors Doors that stay shut Doors that stay cracked Doors that are concealed From the world Inside one Is a little boy Terrified Of monsters Fearful Of hands that curl He can run From room to room Asking for help But his voice is low The others don’t hear Until he starts to beg His begging Can get tumultuous His pleading Can get impetuous That’s when chaos ensues For he slams the doors And pounds on the walls Until the others come

Floating Is all I can manage In this moment Drifting so far away From myself that I can’t connect Thoughts blurry And out of sight Feelings muted Empty Hollow Meaningless This is how we keep going When it all feels Too heavy Too much Too painful We close the doors We hide We stay away So he can survive

Today I feel better than I did yesterday. I’m not really sure whether the grief brought the depression with it, or if the depression was already there and the grief just amplified it. Either way, yesterday was a rough mental day. Today still hurts, but it doesn’t feel like my heart is being shredded. It feels more like an ache. I still miss her, but the pain isn’t crushing me in the same way. I still don’t think life is fair. I still don’t think systems are fair, even if I un

My dreams last night have made the grief I’m feeling louder than usual today. I’ve cried more than I normally do. And crying can be a release sometimes, but when it’s paired with this intense wish to be able to speak to her, it makes the tears feel useless. Like they have nowhere to land. They aren’t cathartic, they’re just proof of how much I miss her. I really fucking miss her. My heart is hurting. My two-week break from therapy will be over next week, but I think the focus

Longing Feeling like air Is being pulled from My body Chest expanded And arched Toward the ceiling Like control Does not belong To the body It belongs to The energy Of the universe The air Traveling, circling, Searching For a place To land Only we know That longing exists most When landings Don’t

I am trying to hold gratitude. Because I know there are many people who never get to experience being affected so profoundly by someone’s presence. They never get to meet someone who shows them what kind of love they are capable of. And I am grateful. I am. I am grateful that I get to hold memories that matter. Love that doesn’t disappear with absence or require reciprocation to remain real. I am grateful that she is part of my inner world in a way that has changed me for the

I had several dreams last night. One of them is one I used to have often. It happened a lot during the time I was working with L. In the dream, I’m running, trying to get to her office, but I can never quite make it. I get lost. There are more stairs than there should be. More turns. Hallways that don’t lead where they’re supposed to. The building keeps unfolding in ways that make arrival impossible. Sometimes I finally get there, only to realize I’m too late. She’s already g

There’s a kind of relief In day dreams Of endings Silence falling Darkness consuming consciousness No weight No pain No worry Just a simple kind of nothing

I’m tired of holding this termination. I really am. I feel like someone placed it in my arms and then used adhesive to attach it to my skin. Like they wrapped a platinum chain around it and my arms so I can’t put it down… no matter how badly I want to. I want to physically push it out of my body. Because there is no resolution. There is no fixing what happened. There is no answer that will change things. And I’m tired of it hurting. I’m angry that it hurts. I don’t know how t

I don’t understand why I feel like a pancake being flipped over all the time. How I can feel okay and then suddenly be hit with so much shame that I want to melt away. Or disappear entirely. Why does that happen? Why does every mistake I’ve made in my entire life replay in my head all at once, like it’s being dumped on me in bulk? Why do I feel like the worst person to ever walk the earth? Why do I hate myself this much? Is it because I keep fucking up? Holding all of this in