Crying & Detachment

Im feeling really overwhelmed after therapy today.

I couldn’t really feel anything or reach much of anything inside my head. Being like that is hard for me. It’s hard for me to know something is there and not to be able to access it. It feels like I’m wasting my therapists time when every-time I go to speak it’s like the words just disappear before I have a chance to say them.

I know the last part of the session I was able to access a little bit of history but I think it flooded me.

We were talking about how the somatic therapy I was in before was just starting to really change things before termination happened. I don’t really remember the direction of the conversation much. All I can remember is that she asked me if I was able to use any of the skills and coping I had learned in that therapy… and I said no. My acupressure mat is hanging on the wall in my room and it caught my eye and I just started crying. Because I haven’t been able to get myself to use it, and I know it was really helpful for me. But I just can’t get myself to use it.

Idk if I’m feeling really sad because the session unlocked emotions or if I’m just depressed with everything going on right now, but I just feel … sad.

She also noted that I had mentioned these blocks happening with my first therapist. Which yes they did, frequently and they never really did stop throughout my course of therapy with her. I’m really not sure why they happen. Maybe I can’t handle the attachment? Idk that’s really the only answer I can come up with.

I guess right now I’m feeling a little stuck… and this isn’t a new feeling. Like I don’t know where to go from this point. Like I’m not really sure how to do the work … what to focus on or what to do to heal the pain I’ve been holding since a kid. I don’t know how to do this work.