Today is my ex’s birthday, and reflecting on how good of a person she is, how much she adds to this world, has also brought up grief for me. The grief of losing her as a partner. Alongside that grief, there is also acceptance. There is understanding. And it still hurts to sit with that reality. The more internal work I do, the more the layers start to peel back, the more I realize how hard life with me can be for other people. I don’t mean that in a self-deprecating way, just

Yesterday ended with me having dinner with my family and then playing video games with my godson. He "cooked" me, which is apparently the new term for "he whooped my ass". We played Super Smash Bros and he likes to be the same characters when we fight. He also likes to add 6 computer players, all the same characters, so you can imagine that trying to figure yourself out on the screen is complicated lol. I think my brother is over his shenanigans because he told him he would o

I showed up to session today and something different happened. This therapist works from a psychodynamic lens and it has been helpful at getting me to see things I normally wouldn't. I have a huge problem with not being able to admit how I'm actually doing. I can admit it in writing if I'm not in front of the person, but having to say it is something I have never been good at. When we started session, the usual “how are you?” was asked and I said, “I’m okay.” She then made a

Yesterday was a day. After work, I went to donate plasma. Then later, I met up with someone. What I didn’t realize was that two hours of physical intimacy is, in fact, a full-body workout. As someone who does not exercise regularly, I woke up this morning feeling it in my shoulders, my legs, even my core. Muscles I haven’t really used in a while. Also, I didn’t even know two hours was a real thing. I’ve heard people say that before and I’ve always kind of rolled my eyes like,

I’ve been growing this plant since it was just a little starter plant, and she’s doing so well. I was watering my plants and noticed how big the leaves are getting, and how beautiful the pattern on them is. My plants really do bring me some joy, no matter what’s going on in my life. Especially the ones like this one… the ones I’ve been able to grow since they just had one little leaf on them. Authors Note: The photo is a picture of the plant I’m talking about.

There is something about me that is super frustrating… and it is that no matter how many times this happens, I never seem to fully grasp onto the lesson. I started taking Klonopin yesterday because I felt like I couldn’t handle it anymore, and I started to feel a lot more calm and capable of getting through the day. So I continued to take it through the day and before bed, and then again today, which has allowed me to actually function. And I know this. And I promise you, the

I’m not really sure what happened tonight. Maybe I just reached my limit. Between the loud rain on the drive to the restaurant, the constant braking of cars, and the noise level once we got there, my body never really stood a chance. I was tense the entire ride. And that frustrated me more than anything. I wanted to have a nice dinner. And we did, technically. But it was a nice dinner that existed alongside me internally melting down, putting all my energy into masking and tr

I think the part of my job that brings me the most joy is a very small moment. It happens when a couple is talking to me about booking a wedding, and after a pause, sometimes a long one, they ask: “Do y’all do gay weddings?” There’s usually a tightness in their voice when they ask. Like they’ve rehearsed the question and are bracing for the answer. And then there’s the moment after I respond. Because my identity as a trans person lets them exhale. I can hear it, the sigh of r

I’m not really sure what changed my mind. Earlier today, I genuinely didn’t think I had it in me. Everything in me wanted to go home and isolate. But, I went to the book club anyway. And I’m really glad I did. There were about twelve of us at there. I hadn’t even had time to buy the book yet, so I asked if it was okay for me to go, even if I hadn’t read the book. I mostly listened. I watched people think out loud. I heard different theories, interpretations, emotional reactio

At the end of my last two therapy sessions, I asked a question. The first time it was, “Do you feel comfortable so far?” The second time it was, “Did any of that freak you out?” She asked me if I expected it to. I said yes. She told me she wasn’t freaked out. That she felt comfortable. That she could hold her role and was competent to work with what I bring in. And that she would let me know if that changes. That’s not a direct quote, I can’t remember the exact wording, but t

My session went really well today. Last night, my best friend and I were talking, and I told him there were things I needed to talk to my therapist about, but probably wouldn’t. I didn’t feel ready. Or brave. Or something like that. This morning he messaged me one sentence: TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS. It landed exactly when it needed to. So today, I did. I opened up about some things in my life that have been causing me a lot of distress, things I’ve been carrying quietly, with

I’m really struggling with my attachment. I keep trying to comfort myself by stupidly fantasizing about her calling me and saying hello and us catching up on life. I’m obviously not intentionally thinking about this, I kind of don’t realize it’s happening half the time. It makes me feel weird for wanting that… but I know it’s just me wishing things didn’t have to be the way they are. Fuck, I really wish they didn’t have to be. It’s so hard. I know acceptance would probably st

I’m feeling okay today. If I could describe what it feels like, it would be like this really heavy trench coat on my body. Like someone made a weighted trench coat, but it’s too heavy for it to be regulating. How do you stop longing for and missing two people who felt like soul mates? Even if I can’t be partners with my ex, having her in my life means a lot to me. And while it hurts to lose that kind of connection with her, having no connection would have shattered me complet

I finished work yesterday with a meeting, then went to donate plasma. After donating, I went to play cards with some friends, and I stayed until around midnight, having a lot of fun, laughing and joking around with them. Honestly, even with getting home late, I slept better than I have in a while. The night before, I woke up to nightmares throughout the night. Last night, I dreamed I was carrying around a small baby that was mine, letting my grandparents hold them, visiting w

After therapy today, I can really feel my sense of body experience change. I feel like I’m pulled out of myself. And at the same time, I can feel things rising up into my chest, into my throat, expanding. I’ll be honest… starting over with this level of bodily insight, with this capacity, is weird. I feel wobbly. Being able to forgive my parents and have compassion for them as humans has been such a relieving feeling too. Because now I can connect with who they are, and not f

I actually did zero TV watching today. I didn’t have the attention span for it. Instead, I went over to my parents’ house and hung out with them, my brother and his wife, and my godson. I enjoyed the day. It’s funny how I was just beating myself up this morning about never having anything good to write about, and here I am, writing something good. Lol. I’m also over drinking. It felt good the first few days, and then it made my depression worse, which is not something I want

It’s been nice to feel… well, I don’t know that I have a feeling word for it, but I know I don’t feel like the world is collapsing on top of me. I have therapy tomorrow, and I’m hoping this is the start of consistent weekly sessions. I feel like I haven’t had that in a long time. I’m also hoping my attachment system can bear the intimacy and vulnerability of therapy again. I know I’ll be in pain at points. I just hope it isn’t all-consuming. That fear is there, especially bec

I spent the day with my family. I drank beer. I laughed. I had fun. My aunt, the one who always baked for every family gathering, passed away last month. Today, my uncle found a bag of her cookies in the freezer. I don’t have a word for what that felt like. To taste something made by someone who is no longer here is different than tasting it while they’re alive. It holds weight. It asks something of you. I noticed a subtle lemon flavor I had never noticed before. Maybe it was

I still feel out of it. Like I’m suspended in the air, spinning a little, not fully grounded. But for the first time in a while, I don’t feel like I’m up here alone. I won’t have therapy again for two weeks because of the holidays. But I know I have someone I feel comfortable talking to when I meet with them again. I didn’t realize how much weight not being able to talk to someone had been adding to everything until now. It wasn’t that my previous therapist wasn’t present or

I finally found someone my body can be with. I can talk to her without getting stuck in my words or having to constantly clarify what I mean. I don’t feel misunderstood, and I don’t feel like I have to work hard to be understood. She’s actually there with me. She’s structured and she’s kind. And she has a very specific way of putting things into words that works really well for my autistic brain. When she reflects things back, it helps organize what feels messy or hard to hol