I ended up having two sessions this week. Honestly, bless my therapist for noticing I needed the extra support without me asking for it, because I wouldn’t have asked. The fact that she even checked in and offered was emotionally loaded in a way I wasn’t prepared for. I think I cried more over that offer than I have cried over most of the trauma I carry. There was something about being seen before I had to wave a flag. Something about someone noticing I was struggling and cho

Im feeling really overwhelmed after therapy today. I couldn’t really feel anything or reach much of anything inside my head. Being like that is hard for me. It’s hard for me to know something is there and not to be able to access it. It feels like I’m wasting my therapists time when every-time I go to speak it’s like the words just disappear before I have a chance to say them. I know the last part of the session I was able to access a little bit of history but I think it floo

Talking about my attachment in therapy today opened something up in me. A lot of grief. Fear. Crying. Just… a flood of emotion. What’s weird is that the fear isn’t really centered around her suddenly leaving me. That fear was really intense with past therapy relationships, especially my first one, but it feels quieter now. I don’t know if that’s because I trust her more or because I understand now that there’s ultimately nothing I can do to prevent endings if they happen. Wha

I had therapy today and the session was a mixture of crying, laughing, and everything in between. I am starting to feel some attachment form, and that scares the absolute shit out of me. I’m nervous to let myself be open enough to feel attachment again. I’m scared my own attachment feelings become too overwhelming for me to handle. I’m going to have to have a really vulnerable conversation next session, and I’m not sure that I’m ready for that. (I don’t have to, as in I’m not

In therapy today, I can’t even remember exactly how the last termination came up, but it did. She wants me to think about what comes up for me in the therapeutic relationship that might be contributing to the endings that happen. And how that might translate to my life outside of the room. The only thing I can really come up with is this: I’m a really kind person. I notice a lot about people through observation, and I reflect that back to them. So I usually build a pretty str

In my therapy session today we talked about a lot, but one thing that stuck with me is the internal conflict that came up. We were talking about how it’s hard for me to share the content of my flashbacks sometimes. Not just because it’s hard to say out loud, but because some of them don’t feel real. I’m not even sure they actually happened. At some point she asked me what it would feel like to share them while also saying that I’m not certain about what happened. And immediat

I submitted one of my poems to be published in a zine that gets distributed in a few different cities. I was fully expecting it to go nowhere. Yesterday, I got an email saying they loved my piece and will be putting it in an upcoming issue. I’ve never submitted my work before, and honestly, because what I write is very personal to me, it isn’t something I easily share. Even though I’ve always had this hope, or goal, of one day creating enough to make a book of my poetry. Even

Today my therapist made a connection that I had never come to on my own, and it did two things at the same time. Honestly, it did a lot. Up until this point, I had assumed that my previous therapist terminated the way she did to intentionally hurt me, that she must have hated me. My therapist linked that belief back to my trauma memory of being intentionally hurt. I was caught off guard. I think it took me 20–30 seconds just to take a breath. A lot went on after she said that

Have you ever had words feel like a hug? I experienced that yesterday in my session. I can’t really remember most of it. I think I was too flooded to stay aware enough to retain what was said, from both myself and her. But the feeling stayed. Feeling like she could hold my pain without it hurting her. Without it scaring her. There is one moment that I remember vividly. I had just admitted how scared I was to show up to therapy. What she said after that might seem like just a

I was able to open up a little today. It has been awhile since I felt like I might completely fall apart inside of a therapy session. I’m grateful for her holding space for me today and continuing to take everything I’ve shared with her and use it to keep the dynamic safe. I don’t feel safe, and I don’t feel trusting. But I can see the effort she’s putting in to shape everything intentionally. I didn’t realize how much everything had built up inside of me. Today kind of relea

I am having a hard time accepting how I feel because it feels destabilizing to feel attachment. It’s manageable in the sense that I am not feeling overwhelming attachment. It kind of lingered on my drive home, and then I passed out once I got home. Besides feeling nauseous about it, I haven't actually been feeling attachment pain. I know my mind is trying to act like it isn’t there, because I keep thinking, well, if I don't feel anything right now then it must mean those feel

I’m having a lot of uncomfortable emotions right now. Mostly being able to feel some attachment forming and I don’t like it and I don’t want it. Because of the frame she works from, it’s important I bring it up next session to stay ahead of it. And I think this feeling is triggering something deeper. I think it’s grief. I’m not really sure. Definitely fear. I’m scared. I’m really scared for this to matter to me… and if I’m being honest with myself, I think she mattered befor

Today’s session brought a lot of shame with it. Having to admit how desperate and anxious I felt during my first therapy experience is hard. When I talk about things like that, I feel like this sort of monster… and it makes me scared that other people will think I am too. The session brought up a lot of grief for L. How much I miss her. How much I know my grief is still alive because, despite knowing logically it’s impossible for us to have a connection again, emotionally I’m

Some things I get from the therapy relationship: Consistency. Being deeply known, seen, understood. Gentleness. Kindness. Attention — which can feel like undivided, quality time. Compassion. Care. Being Witnessed What feels like companionship through the darkest spaces of my life. Soul-level Connection Role-Model Love (bite me if you think love and therapy can’t collide 😘) A place where longing awakens… and I think longing feels like love for me. But also a place where I hav

I don’t know if I’ve ever allowed myself to be vulnerable about the termination, even with myself. About how much it hurt to have been left like that. How much I had grown to trust her, to the point that I was starting to share thoughts in my head that I normally wouldn’t say out loud. How the somatic work was really helping me. How she paced things well. It’s hard for me to let all of that exist, because it feels like my pain can’t coexist with those truths. Like if she offe

When I can’t talk, it feels like I’m observing from the outside. There’s movement, my chest rises, it travels up my throat, toward my lips… but the words won’t come. Most of the time, I know what I want to say, but I can’t make talking happen. It’s like sitting on a metal chair in the middle of a blank room. White walls, one door, and that door is closed. A tiny window is set too high for me to see through. That’s what it feels like when I know what I want to say. When words