Words That Feel Like a Hug

Have you ever had words feel like a hug?

I experienced that yesterday in my session. I can’t really remember most of it. I think I was too flooded to stay aware enough to retain what was said, from both myself and her.

But the feeling stayed.

Feeling like she could hold my pain without it hurting her. Without it scaring her.

There is one moment that I remember vividly. I had just admitted how scared I was to show up to therapy. What she said after that might seem like just a sentence to a lot of people, but it felt like a lot more than that to me.

She said, “I know you are.”

When I type that out and imagine myself reading it as someone who wasn’t the one experiencing it, I actually find it a little humorous. The plainness of the sentence and the profound effect it had… despite not being some big, insightful statement.

I don’t think things have to be big to be impactful.

(I’ll try to remember that for myself.)

Anyway, that sentence felt like a hug created by words. It told me she saw my fear before I even said it. I felt seen in that moment.

Her tone was different, too. I don’t really know what it was. Maybe it was the authenticity of what she was saying that I could feel. Maybe it was because it was toward the end of the session and she had really been able to hold the space well for me.

I don’t know.

But I’m sitting here (crying again) as I think about it and type this, because I’m not used to feeling seen.

I have felt seen by other therapists before. I’m not saying it’s the first time in my life I’ve felt seen. I just mean in my day-to-day life, so much is just inside of me that I don’t know if anyone in my life really sees me.

(This is my own fault, I’m not blaming people in my life.)

So when I feel it, it can feel like a lot.

It usually results in a lot of gratitude for the person who’s taking the time to get to know me. It also creates this pull in me to be able to do the same for them.

Which can make therapy hard, because that’s just not how it works.

Understandably so.

But yeah, I am terrified.

Mostly that there is some lesson I haven’t learned yet, that I’ll come across something that causes the work to end abruptly. It’s not easy finding someone who feels like a good fit. Especially when you’ve experienced what that feels like.

I was scared after experiencing the benefits of somatic-based work that psychodynamic wouldn’t feel as helpful, especially because I have a tendency to overanalyze things on my own.

But I think it’s doing something different.

It’s unlocking feelings before I even have a chance to understand why they’re being unlocked or where they’re coming from. So it’s touching something… just in a different way.

It’s definitely hard work.

And it can be really frustrating for the parts of me that would rather avoid going deeper.

But I’m in it.

And I’m okay with getting my hands dirty.