I’m not sure what’s going on with my inability to sleep or eat. I took medicine last night and I couldn’t stay asleep for more than two hours and this has been going on for a week. I’m trying to track the things that may be the cause, like I took my testosterone shot, but I take that every ten days and this seems to happen every few months… at least it feels that way. I haven’t exactly kept track of how often it happens. I’m running on fumes. The eating… that’s not something

I have therapy tomorrow, and I’m anxious about it. Opening up about the things I don’t have figured out yet is hard. It’s been sobering watching how many strides my ex has taken since we separated. In a way, continuing to live together and remaining friends has allowed me to see the cost I had on her. It’s imprinted in my mind—the ways I was affecting her quality of life. I wouldn’t have been able to see that if we had done things in a more traditional way. It stings. To real

I’ve been feeling disconnected from myself lately. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t know if I should be driving. I took a few days off work to try to ground myself and get back to feeling connected enough to function. I’m not really sure what’s going on. I can’t trace it back to anything that could have triggered it. But I also can’t really think clearly or remember much from the last couple of weeks, so it’s probably something, just something I can’t remember.

My brain feels like jello today. Maybe I’ve been pushing myself too hard or trying to tackle too much at once. I’m trying not to be frustrated about it and to just take it as a sign that I need to give myself some space to breathe before trying to continue processing things. On a different note, the fog is really dense at work today, and it makes the grounds even more beautiful, in my opinion. It makes me wish I could lay out on a hammock and listen to music. I’ll settle for

Yesterday ended with me having dinner with my family and then playing video games with my godson. He "cooked" me, which is apparently the new term for "he whooped my ass". We played Super Smash Bros and he likes to be the same characters when we fight. He also likes to add 6 computer players, all the same characters, so you can imagine that trying to figure yourself out on the screen is complicated lol. I think my brother is over his shenanigans because he told him he would o

My birthdays are always really hard for me. I don’t feel deserving of all the best wishes and with everything being really heavy lately, it is messing with me more than usual. I’m so appreciative of the people who take the time to let me know they are thinking of me, and I wish that my heart could fully accept it. I’m also appreciative of the pressure release yesterday offered me, and the afternoon of feeling a little less weighed down… and at the same time I also wish I coul

I have therapy tomorrow, and I’m a little stressed about it. Honestly, probably more than a little. Sometimes I get into this headspace where I start questioning why I’m going. I know I need the help. I just don’t know how to actually get the help I need. I don’t know how to explain it very well. I think part of the problem is that I don’t know how to be vulnerable enough to get past a certain point. I feel stuck. One of the things that stresses me out is the question that us

I took two Klonopins before bed and after about an hour I was zonked out. Slept through the night, blessed be. (I’m not religious, I just love mocking the lines from The Handmaid’s Tale.) Getting my ass up and out of bed was harder this morning than yesterday, but that’s okay. I’m grateful for the sleep. I’m excited about being able to roll out of here at 12 and have nothing but music and fresh air for two hours and then therapy at 3. I do need to do some sort of prep work be

I just got home. My eyes feel heavy, but I already know I’m probably not falling asleep without medication tonight. I’m going to wait to take it though. If I take it now, I’ll be up at some ridiculous hour staring at the ceiling, wide awake and annoyed. I showed up for the meeting today completely forgetting it was canceled. What a lovely surprise.(genuinely) I did not have the brain power to engage in a conversation about a book I don’t find very engaging so far. It’s not th

Zombie mode has officially kicked in. Not so much in my mind, my brain is actually functioning, but my face looks like I am either dead or so zooted I can’t function. If you can picture the most tired, half-chuckle there is, that’s what happened when I typed the word zooted. I genuinely won’t be surprised if they randomly drug test me next week. I’m not high, my guys. I’m just super fucking tired. I really want to skip this meeting. I won’t... but I want to. And for some reas

I’m meeting with my therapist in person for the first time since we started working together. I’m anxious about a few things. The last time I went to the city she works in was a year ago for a doctor’s appointment, and I remember how much grief it brought up. I know my need to think of everything preemptively probably causes more pain than it would if I just lived. But this morning, on the way to work, I started thinking about the grief that came up on my way home from that t

I’m in a weird headspace right now. I’m okay. I can function, which has been nice because it’s been a while since I felt like I had any ability to do more than just get through the day. In the same breath, I’m struggling in a different way. I don’t really know how to put it into words, honestly. I don’t feel like having conversations, and I’m strangely in tune with my body sensations right now, which I’m not a fan of, because they’re mostly panic-associated sensations or jus

I’m just getting a chance to shower and get in bed. It was a busy day. I think I’ve successfully stopped smoking again, it’s the second day I’ve managed to go without. I also haven’t been drinking or even feeling the urge to. After work, I went grocery shopping and then meal prepped for the next four days. This is the breather I’ve been needing. A chance to have some sense of a life. Unfortunately the reality is, it’s just that… a breather. If I could feel like this 50–75 per

Today I’m going to try my best to fight the nicotine withdrawals and urges. I know the longer I take to stop, the harder it’s going to be. I don’t remember feeling this addicted to smoking, but that was about seven years ago, so I guess I can’t really remember what it was like. This morning my thoughts have been filled with the wish to be the partner my ex deserves. To be able to say with certainty that I can give her everything she needs. Well… probably not everything, but t

My brain has been off. It’s been nice not having thoughts all over the place nonstop. I think I might have messed up and picked up my smoking habit again. In my head, I was thinking one cigarette wouldn’t hurt, but I’ve been struggling to stop. You would think waking up not being able to breathe would stop me, but it has not. Something in my brain feels off… weird. I can’t really explain it. I don’t think I’ll be able to engage with any of those questions, and I’ll just have

I just wanted to do a quick post to say, I’m okay. I’m just too tired to think.

I am so exhausted that I feel dead, and I keep feeling like I'm next to myself. It's disorienting. I move in between feeling nothing and feeling like I am going to break down and cry, and honestly, I'm just not having the best day. I didn't sleep well again and had nightmares. I hate even complaining about it because it's nothing new. I just get really frustrated and sleep-deprived enough that it feels like if it keeps going this way, I may lose my mind. So I kind of get in m

I’m exhausted, and I was so on edge today. I’m sure it has to do with getting so little sleep. I only remember bits and pieces of the nightmares, but there is one dream from last night that was absolutely insane. I’m not sure why, but something happened that removed the back of my skull. I remember having to be careful not to fall or I’d die. Which… whatever, that’s not even the weird part. The weird part was being able to feel not having a skull in my dream. I could feel my

I’m honestly surprised I haven’t spent any amount of time trying to thought map before. And I’m curious why, after years of therapy, that was the first time I’ve ever done one. It’s not like I was prompted directly to do it. I just did. (Although I do qualify my therapist including me in on the broad lens of the goal as a prompt, I’m just not sure if that was her way of nudging me or if she was prepping me for future sessions) I have a weird obsession with wanting to know why

Yesterday was a day. After work, I went to donate plasma. Then later, I met up with someone. What I didn’t realize was that two hours of physical intimacy is, in fact, a full-body workout. As someone who does not exercise regularly, I woke up this morning feeling it in my shoulders, my legs, even my core. Muscles I haven’t really used in a while. Also, I didn’t even know two hours was a real thing. I’ve heard people say that before and I’ve always kind of rolled my eyes like,