Vulnerability Has Been Hard

I’ve been having trouble letting my thoughts live here lately.

Today the grief I feel has been overwhelming. When it’s intense like this, it’s hard to take a breath in. I wish I knew what triggers it to hit like this.

It’s grief for a lot of different people, and for situations. And honestly, the weight of what’s going on, not just in our country, but in the world, has been heavy. I feel like there is pressure to have hope and find joy now, and I don’t know how to do that.

I realize that’s the privilege of my own life and the lives of my ancestors… that I don’t have the wisdom of hope or the capacity for joy in hard times. Maybe one day I’ll be able to access that, but right now I can’t.

I also realize how joy is resistance.

And look, I am trying to get my life together. To find community. To connect. But I am struggling to. I don’t even know if what I’m writing makes sense anymore.

There are two people that I miss more than anything, and that’s L and my ex. My heart hurts.

I wonder if she would still think I’m a good person. If she would still find me worthy of care. I wonder why I still wonder that. Why, after almost two years, it still feels as sharp as the day I had to walk out of that therapy room for the last time.

My therapist after her told me it’s not about the sharpness, it’s about the time in between, how often you feel the sharpness.

But I’ll be honest: when I’m in the middle of feeling it, it feels like it never stopped hurting, and like it never will.

I know it’s more complex than just feeling love. That something about the way she cared touched a really wounded part of me. But it’s more than just that, because there’s a part of me that admires who she is, and what she stands for, and gives me someone to want to be like.

I don’t think I’ve had that before. Someone to look up to.

Anyway, I’m going to try really hard to move on with my life in terms of the shit show of last year. And I do want to find a way for the loss of L and my ex to not feel so painful.

But I don’t think I want to lose the love.

I want to hold that.

Author’s note:

As I read over this, I realized the thoughts flowing out don’t really transition smoothly. But I think I just want to let it exist as is. So if it feels like it jumps from one topic to another, it does… that’s because I typed as I thought, and my thoughts hopped.