Today is my ex’s birthday, and reflecting on how good of a person she is, how much she adds to this world, has also brought up grief for me. The grief of losing her as a partner. Alongside that grief, there is also acceptance. There is understanding. And it still hurts to sit with that reality. The more internal work I do, the more the layers start to peel back, the more I realize how hard life with me can be for other people. I don’t mean that in a self-deprecating way, just

I’m having a hard time right now with letting go of the fact that there’s not much chance for my ex and I working things out in a way that puts us back into each other’s lives as romantic partners. We had a heart to heart where she told me she doesn’t know when she fell out of love with me, but it’s been for some time. That’s fair. I haven’t really been much of a partner to be in love with. I think it still hurts even though I know a lot of the downfall is on me. I made a lot

I type and erase, over and over, because everything feels so overwhelming right now. There are things I can’t talk about. Not here. There are things I can’t really talk about anywhere. I kind of feel like I’m falling apart, and I can’t catch the pieces in time. I keep having the urge to throw things out. To organize everything around me. I know that’s probably my way of trying to feel in control of something. Because right now I don’t feel in control of anything. I don’t thin

You know how in horror movies, when someone is abducted and kept in a house, it’s always a locked door that leads down to a basement, which leads to another door, which leads to a long dimly lit hallway, and then to another door where the person actually is? And then every so often in those movies, the person who was abducted manages to escape the room. They make it through the hallway, up out of the basement, and to the front door of the house. Sometimes they even make it a

I am having a hard time accepting how I feel because it feels destabilizing to feel attachment. It’s manageable in the sense that I am not feeling overwhelming attachment. It kind of lingered on my drive home, and then I passed out once I got home. Besides feeling nauseous about it, I haven't actually been feeling attachment pain. I know my mind is trying to act like it isn’t there, because I keep thinking, well, if I don't feel anything right now then it must mean those feel

I don’t know if I’ve ever allowed myself to be vulnerable about the termination, even with myself. About how much it hurt to have been left like that. How much I had grown to trust her, to the point that I was starting to share thoughts in my head that I normally wouldn’t say out loud. How the somatic work was really helping me. How she paced things well. It’s hard for me to let all of that exist, because it feels like my pain can’t coexist with those truths. Like if she offe

A lot of the questions I left with last session feel too activating to try to answer right now. She really dug in last session. The questions are about being curious and unlayering the inner tension of wanting to share and not being able to share. (There’s way more inner tension than just that, but that’s the focus for now.) What do I get from the therapy dynamic? What does it feel like when it’s hard to talk? What is it like to have someone go into the feelings, the history,

I’m tired of hurting and I don’t know how to stop. I have therapy tomorrow and all I can think is, I don’t know why I’m going. I’m just going to end up hurt. And I don’t mean in the way that therapy has an ending eventually. I mean that there will come a time where she will get tired of me too. I’m not sure if I’m going to go. I don’t see the point in trying to let myself open up to someone. I want so badly to believe that someone will stay until I can work through it… but I

I am so exhausted that I feel dead, and I keep feeling like I'm next to myself. It's disorienting. I move in between feeling nothing and feeling like I am going to break down and cry, and honestly, I'm just not having the best day. I didn't sleep well again and had nightmares. I hate even complaining about it because it's nothing new. I just get really frustrated and sleep-deprived enough that it feels like if it keeps going this way, I may lose my mind. So I kind of get in m

When I’m hit with grief, it feels like someone has a rake, plunging it into my chest, dragging it up, and then ripping it out of me. It is probably one of the more painful emotions, and it quite frequently sends me into a state of panic, like I can’t live without the person. I know I can. There is a difference between how I feel and what I think, and they don’t really fit neatly together. It just hurts, and it feels like there is a string attached to my heart that is connecte

I did a thought chain and I’ve decided it’s a little too vulnerable to share at this moment in time… but this is the conclusion I’ve come to. I think I’m still hooked because I was made to feel it was all my fault. And even though logically I know it’s not, emotionally I don’t think I realize that yet. And because I made everything so public, I now have the view of myself from the public eye as well. One where I’m not believed. Where I’m viewed as the sole problem and where t

My session went well. Unfortunately, taking medication pulled me out of the state I was in, which made it harder to access all of the thoughts I had been holding. Still, the session was productive, and I left with two question marks to chew on. Lately, I’ve been trying to figure out how to make sense of everything in a way that doesn’t feel chaotic. Right now, I’m holding the edge of the rope, but it’s tangled. And if I don’t plan at least some structure, I know I’ll get lost

The shelter we found Lyndsey at is a non-profit that has never posted their political or spiritual/religious alignments before. Yesterday, that changed. Someone else in a group brought up their post and it started a conversation that ultimately led to me sending the organization an email. Now I’m pretty activated. I know it’s because the last time I spoke up about something I felt strongly about, a shit storm happened after. It’s like I’m bracing for the worst. I know the wor

It’s 3 am and I’m unable to fall asleep. Memories are bouncing around in my mind. Wondering if the longing and grief will ever stop filling my thoughts. And simply hoping that silence doesn’t have to last forever, knowing that hope may crush me one day. I know this version of me that’s clinging on and having trouble letting go is the same version of me that is keeping me frozen in pain I can’t escape. But I can’t let go… Because letting go feels like dying. As dramatic as it

Reader note: this piece discusses distressing internal experiences It’s the first time since working with my current therapist that I don’t want to show up. I don’t even know exactly what I’m feeling. I’m still going. I’ve never been the type to no-show or cancel unless I’m sick or an emergency happens. But I can feel it in me already, that familiar sense that I’m going to struggle to talk. That my words are going to feel far away. Like they exist, but I won’t be able to reac

The in-between feels like the space of pain. Not hopeless enough to do anything about it. Just hopeless enough to marinate in it. Tread in it. No drowning here just constant, exhausting treading water. And the wildest part is that I don’t even have a sentence I can utter that says, “this is why I keep going.” The closest I can come is a lack of energy. A lack of effort. And a fear of not knowing what it’ll be like to die. I’m donating plasma today. If I don’t finish Martyr wh

I’m not really sure what happened tonight. Maybe I just reached my limit. Between the loud rain on the drive to the restaurant, the constant braking of cars, and the noise level once we got there, my body never really stood a chance. I was tense the entire ride. And that frustrated me more than anything. I wanted to have a nice dinner. And we did, technically. But it was a nice dinner that existed alongside me internally melting down, putting all my energy into masking and tr

At the end of my last two therapy sessions, I asked a question. The first time it was, “Do you feel comfortable so far?” The second time it was, “Did any of that freak you out?” She asked me if I expected it to. I said yes. She told me she wasn’t freaked out. That she felt comfortable. That she could hold her role and was competent to work with what I bring in. And that she would let me know if that changes. That’s not a direct quote, I can’t remember the exact wording, but t

Tomorrow was supposed to be our anniversary. I was supposed to hang out with a friend tonight, but I don’t think I have it in me. I’m depressed, and I really don’t feel like leaving my house. I don’t want to disappoint them, but I don’t think I can handle being perceived by anyone right now. I was supposed to go donate plasma today too. I’m not doing that either. I’m sure I’ll find it in me to move eventually, but for now it looks like I’ll just be on the couch for the day. I

My mental health isn’t at its worst, but I’ve been having days where it’s been… pretty bad. I can’t really talk about that here in detail, but the last couple of days have helped me realize that I need to open up to my therapist if I want to learn how to navigate the pain I’m in, or at least not be alone with it. I also know there’s a big possibility that I won’t open up. What I need to talk about isn’t easy to say out loud. But if I want to get ahead of the meltdowns and pan