This Is Hard

I keep going in and out of feeling like I’ll survive this.

When the panic attacks hit, it feels like I won’t.

I don’t know how to explain that it’s panic and grief mixed together and I feel like I can’t live without her.

I don’t know how I’m going to get through this.

I don’t know that my panic attacks have every been this intense before. Usually they are silent. More mental than physical. Lately they’ve been both and I think the shingles pain being in my chest might be exacerbating the intensity when they hit.

I wish I could feel capable of forming a life… but I don’t.