Feelings, Sensitivity, and Queer Love

Writing here has been… helpful in ways. I’ve noticed patterns I wouldn’t have picked up on as easily if I were journaling. I think because when I journal, I write so much that it all just gets lost. Here, things feel a little more contained, and that’s made certain patterns easier to see.

Right now, I notice three different reasons for grief at the forefront of my experience. My childhood stuff, the things that used to flood my day-to-day life, seems to have taken a back seat. Not that I don’t get taken back there from time to time, but it’s not as prevalent as it once was. No complaints there. I’m not naïve, though. I know it’s still there; it’s just being covered right now by everything that’s currently happening.

Tomorrow’s session will be history-taking. My therapist asked me how I felt about going into that, and I answered honestly that I felt fine about it. I know what I’m dealing with now, so it doesn’t feel as scary. But sitting here thinking about it more… I realize I am a little worried about it dredging things back up to the surface again.

Before my work ended with the therapist I was doing somatic experiencing with, the smallest things would cause flashbacks. I worry that could happen again. Thinking about that makes me feel sick to my stomach, if I’m being honest. Still, I’m not afraid to answer basic questions about my history.

I won’t lie, I’m having a hard time with how strongly everything affects me lately. Because of how intense things have been, it makes it hard to take my own background seriously sometimes. I find myself wondering if maybe I’m just a really sensitive person. I don’t know. I know I shouldn’t need someone to reassure me that I’m not always overreacting, but I feel like I do need that right now.

One thing I’ve noticed through writing here is that I rarely have good things to say. I’m almost always talking about the pain I’m in, and that makes me a little self-conscious.

For someone who used to not be able to access his tears much, I can say that every day lately has been a day where I cry. I don’t think that’s a bad thing, but I do think it means I’m overloaded. I know I’ll get better with time and with support through therapy. I just have to remember that I need to do better than last time.

Author’s Note:

If you made it this far in the post, or even if you skimmed and skipped to the bottom… basically, if you’re reading this note, I hope you have a good Sunday. I’ll be spending mine watching Heartstopper and crying about queer love. Also, if you haven’t seen Heated Rivalry yet, solid recommendation. Beautifully captured.