Short Circuiting

I feel like I’m short circuiting. Where writing used to feel like something that helped me, now I feel like I can’t form thoughts or maybe it’s that I haven’t been allowing myself the time to think.

I don’t know how I’m going to tell my family. It hurts even thinking about having to say it out loud. I don’t want to. But being asked where she is and having to pretend like everything is okay hurts just as much.

I feel like I don’t bring anything to this world. I know that sounds like a dramatic statement, but it’s how I feel. I’m struggling. I love her. I love her so much. The fact that she was the only person who made me feel like I had anything to offer the world isn’t healthy. I feel like I’m in the middle of the biggest internal battle I’ve faced in a long time. One side wanting to give up and the other side wanting to try to keep going to be the person I want to become. But will I ever be good enough for myself?

I don’t know how to climb myself out of the hole I’ve put myself in over the last decade of my life, the isolation I’ve put myself in. I don’t know how to do this.