Unprocessable

I’m tired of holding this termination.

I really am.

I feel like someone placed it in my arms and then used adhesive to attach it to my skin. Like they wrapped a platinum chain around it and my arms so I can’t put it down… no matter how badly I want to.

I want to physically push it out of my body.

Because there is no resolution.

There is no fixing what happened.

There is no answer that will change things.

And I’m tired of it hurting.

I’m angry that it hurts.

I don’t know how to get rid of it.

People talk about processing harm as if it’s something you sit with long enough until it dissolves. As if reflection and insight eventually soften the edges. As if there’s a moment where it clicks and suddenly the weight lifts.

But what does processing even mean when there is no accountability?

When power is still casting a shadow onto you, making you invisible.

Making your voice echo back into your ears.

How do you process something that isn’t over?

This doesn’t feel like grief that moves. It feels like being forced to carry something. Something heavy and cold and immovable. Something that keeps reminding your body that it wasn’t safe and that nothing ever made it right.

I don’t want closure. I don’t think it exists here.

I just want relief.

I want the pain to stop flaring without warning.

I want to stop feeling like I’m still trapped in the aftermath of someone else’s power.

If this is what processing looks like, carrying it, naming it, feeling it… then I’m doing it. And I’m exhausted by it.

I don’t know how to put this down.

I just know I don’t want to keep holding it like this.

Author’s Note:

The worst part of this is my own brain telling me they are probably just pathologizing me to brush it off … adding labels to ward off any sense of credibility I might hold.

That’s how systems protect themselves.

And that’s why systems are rarely helpful to the person being harmed. They don’t exist to hold truth or repair damage. They exist to contain risk, deflect responsibility, and preserve power.

It’s usually the person in power who is protected by systems, never the one carrying the harm.

I hate how weak I feel letting this have any affect on me.