Shame

I have so much shame wrapped up in me as a person. Especially from this last year, and letting myself go there today. Letting myself recall everything. It just floods me with different voices yelling different things.

Part of me wants to be able to hold empathy, while another part is pissed that I would do that. That I would put myself in a position to have my empathy used against me. As if holding empathy means I’m at fault.

Because another part of me spirals into self-blame. And that part thinks about all the times I did fuck up this year. Speaking too urgently when I thought I was witnessing injustice. Speaking too loudly when I didn’t give myself enough time to regulate. Trying to be honest and being misunderstood.

Just… greatly fucking up in so many ways.

And it’s hard to live with myself. It’s hard to keep putting one foot in front of the other and not collapsing into the shame.

I just feel a lot of shame around my mental health and I don’t know how not to. I need help.