Shifting

This is what I mean when I talk about shifting.

I think maybe I’m always shifting because if I stayed in this level of pain and distress without any breaks, I would probably go crazy. So something in me moves. Pulls away. Goes numb. Goes quiet. And then comes back later like nothing happened.

But right now it feels like my entire life has blown up.

I don’t recognize myself.

I don’t know who I am.

I feel dead inside.

It’s not dramatic. It’s flat. Empty. Like all the parts of me that used to reach toward the world are gone, or hiding somewhere I can’t access. I feel like I don’t have anything to bring to the world anymore. No energy. No identity. No sense of direction.

Just exhaustion.

I wish I felt better about life. I wish I could write something hopeful or reflective or grounded. But I don’t right now.

And right now having a really good fit in therapy scares me more than it brings me comfort. Because I have a feeling this is going to be a very painful journey for me.