It hurts to need support

It hurts to need support and not be able to open your mouth to let someone in. My session didn’t really help today and it’s not because of anything other than the fact that I go to talk and I just can’t. I can’t let someone hear me.

I want to so badly. I want to say “I need help” “I’m struggling” “my heart feels like it’ll never recover” “I feel so close to giving up”

But I can’t. Instead I want to run. Hide. And now I’m stuck alone. Crying. Panicking. Feeling like I have nobody. Feeling like I deserve nobody. Idk if I’ll ever be able to open up in therapy again. Not in a way where any real work can take place. I’m scared. I’m tired, and I’m hurting.

And I really wish I had someone who saw me without me having to break apart in front of them.