Dredging Through It

I’m trying my best to hold it together.

I wrote last night’s post in the middle of clustered panic attacks, so I was really in the thick of it and just going through it. I’m honestly glad it doesn’t feel that intense 24/7, but I do feel like I need support that I don’t really have. Part of it’s my fault, I’m not opening up to anyone to be able to receive support and part of it is that I just don’t feel safe enough with anyone in my life to be able to open up and receive support.

There are a lot of things I wish for right now. A lot of things I long for that I don’t have, and it hurts. Typing that makes me feel guilty, too, because I do have a lot of things that many people in this world don’t have. There are people living through horrifying and dehumanizing situations right now. I get that it doesn’t make my pain any less and that I shouldn’t compare, and I’m not really comparing. I’m just acknowledging that there are people out there who are really going through it, and that I should probably be grateful for what I do have and stop focusing on what I don’t.

What makes this hard is that my grief is like a chain now, everything is linked together. I’m feeling grief for so many different people, and it’s heavy. Even the therapist who dropped me by email. I grieve the good parts. I grieve that it ended the way it did, and that it’s affecting me the way it is.

I’ve always missed L a little bit harder on the days where I’m struggling. She saw me. Idk… she just got me. And so did the therapist after her. I just really want to curl into a ball and sleep until I can wake up and not feel any of this anymore. And more than missing what L could offer me in terms of support… I just miss her.

So right now I’m really dredging through it, trying to want to keep going. Trying to not let the parts of me that want to run away win. Because when I’m in this space, I feel like I can’t let anyone in, and that makes everything so much harder.

Did I mention how much I hate telehealth? Hate it. And I hate that Lafayette no longer feels like a safe place to seek therapy for me. I feel like everyone is connected by a web and that my chances of finding unbiased support within that web are nonexistent.