Grief, Cigarettes and Panic Attacks

My day was actually a pretty good day. It was filled with a lot of chatting with coworkers and a lot of laughing. The air felt light today, probably because it’s Friday and everyone is excited for the weekend.

I went to donate plasma after work, and what usually takes two hours only took an hour today.

Now I’m home, and the grief over the loss of my former wife is hitting me. It hurts. Before two years ago, I didn’t really feel grief. It was an emotion I knew of, but I didn’t experience it like this. I always dissociated and would fall into a depression so long after that I wouldn’t even connect the two events.

This type of grief, the kind that makes your heart feel like it’s failing, is by far the most painful emotion I have ever had to carry. It feels like I can’t take full breaths because panic attacks start when the grief hits. Fuck. I really hope therapy works out with this therapist, and that I can find a way through this pain.

I have to find a way to work through this so it doesn’t interfere with the friendship we are trying to build.

I should probably take some medication. The panic attacks make me feel like I’ll never feel anything else, and then that thought starts a whole new panic attack.

But I am aware of the cycle now. And as much as that doesn’t make it hurt any less, I know awareness is the first step to interrupting it. That matters, even if it’s the only solid thing I can hold onto right now.

I haven’t smoked a cigarette in over seven years, but today I’ve had to fight the urge to go buy a pack more than once.

I’m in one of the darkest places of my adulthood right now. I’m trying my best to navigate it. I’m just really struggling.