Processing Gaps

I’m having what feels like a slip into a depressive episode.

Not that life has been peachy or happy anyway, but this feels worse than it has been.

Another thing that’s been weighing on me is that the more mindful I become, the more I slow down with language and interactions, the more I realize how mismatched I often am when communicating with people. How often I don’t understand what they’re trying to say, and how often I’m misunderstood in return. And it’s frustrating.

It’s frustrating that I have to use artificial intelligence to help me conceptualize things that most people seem to just get intuitively. My whole life… I could have been learning these skills if I had known what the problem was.

And I am deeply upset that if I were able to understand things “normally,” I wouldn’t have as many social struggles as I do. That so much of my difficulty comes down to the way my brain processes things, not a lack of effort or care.

I think the hardest part is knowing this isn’t something I can think my way out of. It’s how my brain works. Which means I’ll always have to do repair work, because I’m often on a different page than everyone else.

I’m so tired.

I really am.