Reading the Room With a Different Map

Realizing I was autistic was something that took me a long time to feel okay with. It helped that the person who helped me figure it out was also autistic. That made it feel less exposing, less scary, while I was trying to understand what was going on.

Still, after all of the assessments, all I really felt was embarrassment.

I don’t think I engaged with the reality of being autistic at all for many months after that. And even now, I still haven’t fully. I probably won’t tell my family, or many people in my life.

While I do get really frustrated realizing that a lot of my struggles have been gaps in understanding social context, unspoken rules, and abstract language, it is helpful to finally know that’s what’s been happening. At least now I can try to pay closer attention. I can try to learn how to catch things more often.

It’s also made it easier for me to ask for clarification, or to say, “I’m sorry, you’ve tried to explain this three times and I still don’t understand.”

Sometimes, though, it makes me feel like my intelligence must be on the lower end of the spectrum, because I can’t grasp what the other person is trying to say. Even when I know, logically, that isn’t actually true.

Anyway… if you’re just realizing you’re autistic as an adult, if you’re looking back at a lifetime of social consequences you didn’t understand at the time and feeling frustrated… I’m right here with you.