Pain And Trying To Be Better

In therapy today, I can’t even remember exactly how the last termination came up, but it did.

She wants me to think about what comes up for me in the therapeutic relationship that might be contributing to the endings that happen. And how that might translate to my life outside of the room.

The only thing I can really come up with is this:

I’m a really kind person. I notice a lot about people through observation, and I reflect that back to them. So I usually build a pretty strong rapport at the beginning, even if it is a slow build because of how guarded I am.

And then something shifts.

When my feelings get hurt, or something happens that brings up big emotions I don’t know what to do with, I don’t always handle it well. Instead of being vulnerable and saying this hurt me, I can attack someone’s character. Not always out loud, but internally, or sometimes directly, especially in therapy where I try to be as open as I can.

So in therapy, I say the hard things. Even the misjudgments.

Outside of the room, I don’t say them at all. I just pull away.

Which means either way, something breaks.

I become inconsistent in how I show up in relationships. One moment I’m present, engaged, connected and the next I’m distant, closed off, trying to protect myself from something I don’t fully understand.

I’m trying to find a way to release this pain. To actually work through it instead of circling it.

Because with the last termination, I keep trying to find answers I can’t find.

It would take her being willing to talk, to meet me in it, to name what actually happened. And I’m not going to get that. So I keep going over it alone, replaying things, trying to figure out what happened, what I missed that caused the termination to happen the way it did. And maybe it was just expectations I shouldn’t have been carrying, that terminations could be talked through, even if an ending was necessary.

And it doesn’t help.

The rumination doesn’t lead anywhere. It just keeps the pain active.

I’m not really sure what it was about my behavior or the way I showed up with my first therapist that caused what happened. The only thing I can point to is the pull I feel for deep connection and the admiration, deep care and respect I had  for the person in front of me.

And I don’t know how that makes people experience me.

I don’t know if it feels like too much intensity, if it creates a bond that can’t happen within therapy, or if it feels like being smothered and pressured to reciprocate the deep feelings I have.

I just know that I crave depth that most people don’t want to have. At least not with me.

It’s also hard for me to let small things go.

If I notice an inconsistency or a contradiction, it’s really difficult not to name it, not to dissect it, not to try to make sense of it immediately.

And underneath all of that, there’s a lack of trust.

I don’t trust easily. And when something feels off, it doesn’t just pass. It sticks.

So now I’m sitting here trying to untangle both terminations that were completely opposite of one another.

Two completely different sides of the same coin.

Same outcome. Being left.

And I don’t know how to get it right.

That’s the part that’s making me anxious.

Because if the reasons are opposite, how am I supposed to adjust anything without making it worse?

I’m feeling a lot of grief right now.

Self-caused grief.

And while I feel enough ease and safety with my current therapist, I have adapted myself a lot to try not to repeat either situation. I haven’t tried to seek deep connection or depth from her. I haven’t asked her about herself. I haven’t sent any emails outside of scheduling and billing. I haven’t experienced anything that has made me have strong reactions to her… well I have once but her naming the emotion I felt and us discussing it helped me process it instead of being left to try to make sense of it on my own, so it interrupted my usual way of handling things.

And while I understand a lot of the ways I’ve adapted are healthy for therapy, it doesn’t stop me from craving the deep connection. From thinking of the questions, from wanting to know the person across from me. And I feel lonely without the mutuality.

My heart hurts. I’m angry with myself and I’m scared something will happen where I won’t know how to regulate before opening my damn mouth again. That I won’t be able to be vulnerable and say, this hurt me.