Internal Conflict

In my therapy session today we talked about a lot, but one thing that stuck with me is the internal conflict that came up.

We were talking about how it’s hard for me to share the content of my flashbacks sometimes. Not just because it’s hard to say out loud, but because some of them don’t feel real. I’m not even sure they actually happened.

At some point she asked me what it would feel like to share them while also saying that I’m not certain about what happened.

And immediately, there was an argument in my head.

“This did happen. It is real.”

“No it didn’t.”

Back and forth. No confusion about what was happening. Just two completely different sides saying opposite things at the same time.

That part is new for me.

I’ve felt conflict before, but it’s usually more vague and hard to track. This was sharp. Like I could actually hear it instead of just feeling off.

And honestly, I think this is progress.

As uncomfortable as it is, it’s way more helpful to be able to notice it and say it than to just blank out like I normally do.

I told her about it and we’re going to come back to it next session.

She also asked me to write down what came up for me at the end of session because I was struggling to talk and we were at time, so I just want to put this in here to come back to next session.

She said there is something about being witnessed that changes things. Most of the time I’m used to living in my head.

I think being witnessed makes it more real. I also think it wakens up the internal conflict, and it is really difficult for me to sit with both things. It almost feels like a double bind where I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

Because there is a part of me that wants to share and wants to be held in that moment.

But the part of me that doesn’t is louder and harder to fight through.

I think that may start to shift now that I am aware of what’s going on for me internally. But I think it’s going to take awhile to not feel two opposing things at one time.