Stacked Loss & A Life I Don’t Know

My writing lately hasn’t felt like me. I don’t really have the cognitive ability to sit with too much at once right now. I’m fluctuating between needing Klonopin to calm me down enough to function and alcohol to numb me enough to fall asleep. And somewhere in between those states are periods where I feel completely disconnected from myself, like I don’t even know who I am anymore.

My life crumbled quickly over the past year. Too many changes at once. So much loss. Too much grief layered on top of itself. And in the middle of all of that, I’ve also found people I genuinely care about. People I deeply enjoy being around. Which almost makes the pain more confusing, not less.

I’m disoriented a lot of the time.

Therapy has become complicated too. The closer things get to something real or vulnerable, the more my brain and body seem to shut access down. Thoughts disappear before I can hold onto them long enough to speak. Words evaporate mid sentence. I know the relational aspect of therapy is probably part of what’s making this so hard, but that awareness doesn’t make it easier to push through.

I’m scared to hope. Scared to trust something that feels like it might finally help, only to watch it fall apart again.

And even though I know I’m an adult and responsible for my own patterns and choices, part of me is still terrified that everything will collapse anyway.

I think the hardest part of all of this… is how alone it feels. The heaviness. The panic. The heartbreak. The constant instability. I don’t really know how to let people close enough to those inner parts of me for it to stop feeling isolating.

This blog is probably the closest I get to that and even here, there is a screen between me and the person reading. And there are some things I’ll never really be able to talk about in a public space. Things I don’t really even want to think about. I feel like the mountain of work I have to do to make life feel livable again tripled and it’s so disorganized that I don’t even know where to start.

I guess for now I need to work on forming some sort of coping outside of the easy, unhelpful coping I’ve been relying on. I’m just not sure I feel stable enough to try right now.