The Fear That Follows Authenticity

I had a really good night last night.

I met up with some people, who are also poly, for some drinks. It was nice to be around others, talking and listening as they shared their own stories about how they realized they were poly, as well as their journey through the years of being poly. To be surrounded by others who just get it left me with a feeling of resonance.

I was more engaging and open and talkative, and while I enjoyed that part of me in the moment, I am struggling with social anxiety today.

It took a few beers to get me loosened up enough to engage in that way, and it’s something I wish would come more naturally to me. But I’m used to being sort of a fly on the wall, listening a lot and talking very little.

So now I’m replaying every misstep I made socially.

I started speaking at the same time as someone else. I may have interrupted or a question came up and I didn’t pause to let them finish before asking. What if my humor wasn’t received well, or what if my way of connecting with others was off-putting.

Something I learned from having feedback from my ex was that sharing relatable stories connected to the content of what someone else is talking about isn’t always seen as me trying to show I understand and relate, and is sometimes seen as one-upping or self-absorption. I usually notice this as a difference between neurodivergent minds and neurotypical minds.

Sober me is usually good about playing by neurotypical rules, but like I said, I was loosened up enough to not be monitoring myself so heavily in the moment.

And I know that I always feel this way after a night of drinking and socializing, and most people prefer me when I’m drinking because I’m a lot more energetic, present, and engaged. But I can’t read people’s minds, and the thought of possibly doing something off-putting is hard for me to shake off.

It’s unfortunate that I found this group as the leader is moving. I really enjoyed the atmosphere, the conversation, and the shared experience of being around people who also feel they can hold love and intimacy for multiple people in many different ways and in many different forms, and to do it ethically.

I know there are probably other spaces like this one, but this felt very intentional and safe in a way most group environments aren’t. The rules they had in place made a big difference. I’m really glad I got to experience it.

Hopefully the anxiety settles down at some point today. I just need to remind myself that we were all engaged last night, and that even if I made a social mistake it probably wasn’t as bad as my mind is telling me it was.