Squirrels

My morning started out rough. My night was filled with nightmares from my childhood and some things happened yesterday that are still weighing on me today. I was overwhelmed and having a hard time getting started with work and regulating enough to feel like I could function enough to work. Someone at work has been inviting me to feed the squirrels with them in the morning and I always struggle to get myself to go but once I’m there my whole existence is just being with the squirrels. Watching them eat, play and run. I don’t think this person knows how much these mornings help me. Maybe I should learn to do things like this on my own. Stop and be with nature and wildlife and let myself exist watching them instead of drowning myself in all of the things that I usually am focused on.

I’m having a hard time in my life right now. Wanting to continue fighting through the pain is hard and it feels futile sometimes. But this morning and every morning I go sit out there and watch the squirrels eat is teaching me that small moments can help ease the weight enough to be able to have some will to keep going.

I just wish I didn’t feel so alone in the world. And it’s not from lack of people, I’m not sure what it is.

I think that’s the hardest part. Knowing there are people around me and still feeling this way.

But for a little while this morning, sitting there, it wasn’t as loud.