Loving From a Distance

I am so grateful that I am able to stay in my ex’s life as a friend.

That we ended things in a way that was amicable, that we acknowledged we both mean a lot to each other, that there’s a lot of love that exists between us, and we don’t want that to change.

What’s hard is looking at her and having to hold the amount of love I have in.

Not being able to show it in the same ways I once did.

Not being able to reach for her the way muscle memory still wants to.

I know that not being able to see her, talk to her, or have her in my life would be so much harder than this reality… and this reality also hurts so badly.

I think that’s what’s triggering the panic attacks…the amount of grief hitting me at once.

It’s like getting sucker-punched in the face.

You don’t see it coming.

It just hits you.

And I keep thinking:

How many people am I going to have to love from a distance in my lifetime?

It’s an honor, but it’s a painful one.

Sometimes loving someone means shifting your shape around the grief.

Sometimes staying is its own kind of breaking.

And sometimes the closeness that remains is both the thing saving you and the thing hurting you.

But I’d rather hold this ache than lose her entirely.

Even if it means learning a new kind of love, one that stays, but stays differently.