Sometimes Life Isn’t Neat

Complex trauma is a bitch to be honest with you.

Anyone living with it can tell you how hard it is to get through some days. Some days it’s like a battle inside yourself that never stops for you to get a break. Today was probably the worst it’s been in awhile. I think everything is just adding up and it boiled over.

I knew I was on empty before couples therapy today, but I didn’t realize it was going to be as difficult as it was. I can’t recall most of the session. I’m actually quite embarrassed about my lack of ability to be there today.

I know from the outside it probably looked like I didn’t want to be there, but it’s not that I didn’t want to be there as much as I just couldn’t be.

I wish I could explain the feeling with words but I don’t have language for it yet.

Even though the session didn’t go the best, my wife and I did have a really good conversation hours after it ended, and I think next session will go better… barring I can be present for it. I think maybe if I feel that way again beforehand, I’ll do some type of grounding exercise and maybe ask my wife to talk with me for a few minutes before, so that I can try to stay instead of floating away.

I’m starting to see that the messier things are, the more there is to learn.

Well, that was my day. Even though I’m completely drained, I’m feeling more like myself than I was earlier.