Today Was Harder Than I Expected

Today my therapist had to cancel my session last minute because she’s sick.

I struggle in general with last-minute changes… but it’s even harder right now because I don’t have enough data or experience with her yet to feel grounded. I don’t have a pattern of behavior to reference, nothing in my body that knows “this isn’t a recurring thing,” nothing steady enough to fall back on. It’s a brand new relationship, and sudden changes hit differently when you don’t have safety built yet.

I had been prepping to be more open today. Which was a conscious decision that took a lot of mental energy and a lot of talking to myself to get myself to go there. So when the cancellation came last minute, it hit me pretty hard.

My immediate reaction was to pull away.

I didn’t want to respond and I honestly didn’t want to ever go back.

And then immediately after having those thoughts guilt hit. Guilt for thinking that when she’s literally sick. I almost forced myself to respond just to make the guilt go away, but I knew doing that would build resentment. So I let myself take the space instead. It took me about four hours to get to a place where a response wouldn’t feel forced or fake.

The hardest part is that she checked in again in the middle of those four hours, just to make sure I’d gotten her email. I guess she didn’t want me to think she forgot or didn’t show up. And seeing that made me feel even worse for not responding quickly. But I’m still glad I waited. I’m glad I didn’t force myself into a quick response just because I felt guilty. I’m glad I let the initial wave of pain move through me instead of pretending I wasn’t impacted. Waiting gave me enough space to actually respond from a regulated place instead of reacting out of fear, shutdown, or people-pleasing.

When I finally did email her back, I was honest. I told her I got her email, and that I just needed time to regulate before responding. And I told her I hope she feels better soon.

My urges to fall back into old patterns eventually passed. That urge to self-punish, to regress, to spiral, it flared up, and then it moved. And I didn’t act on it.

I’m proud of myself for that.

For choosing differently.

For letting myself feel the hurt without collapsing into it.

For not abandoning the progress I’ve made even when I was triggered and in an already vulnerable state.

Today was hard in ways I wasn’t expecting, but I handled it in a way I’ve never really handled it before. And I’m proud of myself.

I also learned a little bit about why I feel the urge to regress and it helped ease some of the shame I feel around getting urges to regress at all.

I hope tomorrow is better.