Faint Footing

It’s hard to write out my thoughts lately. It’s even harder to share them.

The reality is right now, I’m not in a place where much of my writing will be positive or uplifting. Not that positivity or being uplifting has ever been the point of my writing. It’s always just been a small window into my experiences as someone who’s trying to heal and form a life. And mostly it’s for myself, an outlet where I can lay out my pain in a place that isn’t held in secrecy. Well… full secrecy.

The grief of losing my partner of 14 years has been monumental. It’s been identity-changing. It’s had me feeling like I have no solid footing, no real sense of who I am. I know none of that is healthy… meaning my foundation was fucked to start with. My foundation of myself. So now I need to scrape it flat and try to form one, and that’s going to be really fucking painful.

And I’ve mentioned before that when I’m in a rough spot, my grief surrounding the loss of L really amplifies and I miss her in a way that makes my chest feel like it’s collapsing around my heart. I’ve had to stop my fingers from sending an email so many times, because I know it’s not appropriate and it won’t be helpful for either of us. So I come here and I write, and I try to get most of what’s on my chest out. There are still some things I feel like I can’t type out, and I can’t talk about.

I feel like I need to book a session every day for the next week. An hour just isn’t enough right now… and it’s with someone I hardly know. The worst part is I’m not blind. I see her shaping the way she holds space and carries the session around my needs. I see her effort, but I can’t meet her. I can’t connect. It’s just not happening. So the sessions really haven’t been helping me. I keep thinking, just keep showing up, you just have to keep showing up. But is that going to change anything?