A Low Day

I’m kind of in a depressive slump today.

When my brain gets like this, it convinces me I have nothing good to offer the world.

I know it’s just my brain being a giant asshole, and I’ll probably feel better in the morning… at least I hope so.

As far as my grief goes, I’m trying my best to be grateful for what was and what still is, instead of getting caught up in what could have been or what I wish could’ve been. It’s hard. This is one of those times where the shame around how much love I hold is alive and loud. I keep trying to tell myself there is nothing wrong with feeling love… that it’s okay, and that one day it won’t hurt this much.

I don’t know how much I believe that today, but I’m trying not to collapse under the weight of everything.

I’m honestly really confused about why the grief has been so loud the last few days. I never really understand what causes the flare-ups, and I think one of the ways I cope is by trying to make sense of things cognitively. It gives me some tiny sense of control in a situation I don’t actually have control over.

Right now I just have this overwhelming feeling that I’m a horrible person. I wish I could shake it. I wish I could hold onto something about myself that I felt was good, but today I can’t.

I’m in a dark place, but I know it’ll pass.

I just wish I didn’t have to battle myself internally so often.

Maybe the next time I’m in a headspace where I can actually recognize the things that make me good, I can write them down and keep them somewhere I can read when I’m like this.

I don’t know if it’ll help, but I’m going to try to remember to try.

Author’s Note:

For the people who take the time to visit and read, thank you.

The quiet witnessing of others has been so helpful during this time of my life. I don’t know what brings each of you here… whether it’s resonance or curiosity, but just know that it helps to not feel alone.

To feel like someone is seeing me.