I’m Sorry

I think it’s important to talk about my part in the dynamic with my first therapist.

I’m not sure I fully have the words to describe everything, but I’m going to try my best.

I had never in my life been cared for the way she cared for me. I’d never felt nurtured before. Seen. Heard. Understood in the way she managed to understand me.

I had never trusted anyone enough to share my story either. Honestly, I didn’t think my story mattered enough to tell.

My body had absolutely no idea what to do with that level of care. So what happened? My attachment system activated and I swung between clinging and pushing… sometimes doing both at the exact same time.

I questioned her care constantly, and when she tried again and again to show me she did care, I couldn’t take it in. My system wouldn’t let me believe her, so I spiraled. I became both exhausting and exhausted, and I’d end up in significant pain between sessions. Attachment trauma is brutal. It’s subconscious until you start noticing the patterns and begin actively choosing to behave differently. And that takes so much work, so much noticing and interrupting your body’s automatic reactions.

I wish I could tell her how sorry I am. Yes, she made mistakes and things ended in a way that left me with pain, but it’s not all on her.

My shit was a lot. It was more than either of us realized until it was too late and everything was hitting both of us in the face.

I think back with a lot of regret because if I could have caught my patterns sooner, maybe things could have gone differently.

I did end up learning how to show up better. It’s not easy. I still have to fight myself not to believe my brain. I have to try to trust the things that tell me someone cares rather than the things that tell me they don’t. And honestly, I feel crazy a lot of the time.

I’m sorry for what I didn’t know.

I’m sorry for the pain I caused you.

I’m sorry that being my therapist was stressful.

I’m sorry that you got the hardest version of me. The messiest and most confused version of me, because of anyone, I wish it could have been you to get the version of me who could show up better.