Building Something Real

Morning folks,

Today’s a good mental health day. Woke up earlier than usual to head to work. We had a 5K event for St. Jude, and my main job was to make sure parking stayed structured so 18-wheelers could still pass through. The volunteers did an amazing job keeping things organized.

After that, I headed home, got some housework done, and now I’m sitting here thinking about what I want to do next.

Lately, I’ve been daydreaming about Scotland. A bunch of videos have been showing up on my Instagram reels…endless hills, old stone streets, fog rolling through valleys. It just looks rich with history and calm in a way I crave. I can’t wait until I can get a passport without all the complications that come with it for trans people. Visiting Scotland is officially going on my bucket list.

As the new year approaches, I think my biggest goal is to focus on building community. Not creating it from scratch, but really finding it or finding my people within it. I feel very alone in this part of the world. I don’t know many people who align with me enough to feel safe opening up or building deep connections.

I crave depth. I don’t do well with surface-level anything. I’d rather be alone than have interactions that don’t mean much. What I want are the kinds of relationships that move my soul, where both people show up authentically, with shared values and genuine care. The kind where you’d drop everything for each other, not out of codependence, but because the connection means something.

Logically, I know I don’t have to move to find that. But emotionally, I just don’t feel safe enough here to even try. Still, one of my biggest life goals…maybe not in the next year, but within the next five, is to get out of this state and build a life somewhere that feels more like home.

And I’m not gonna give up on trying to create that while I’m here. It’s just… hard. Even within the community, some things are still so internalized. I still feel alone among my peers. I’m by no means “above” anyone when it comes to social awareness. Im still learning and unlearning everyday. I’m talking about people who refuse to look, refuse to listen to others’ stories, refuse to see outside of their own perspective. It’s really difficult for me to be around people like that, and it’s not coming from judgment, it’s more that I just get uncomfortable.

I get uncomfortable because I don’t like conflict. I don’t like having to constantly speak up about things that are harmful. It’s not that I don’t want to speak up, it’s that I don’t want to have to do it all the time. If I’m going to build a community around me, I want it to be with people who already do their own work. Where we can reality-check each other when needed, but that doesn’t have to be a constant theme in the relationship.

Anyway, I kind of got off topic there. My point is that I’m not going to wash away the possibility of building community where I’m at. Moving isn’t feasible right now, so I’m going to try to make the best of where I am. And if something beautiful comes of that, maybe I won’t feel such a strong need to leave. And if I still do, I can always move later.

This is kind of just a brain blurb for today. Letting you in on my day and my thoughts. For now, I’m just sitting here, chilling before I inevitably start doing housework again.

Authors Note:

My wife has pointed out that I can be a bit perfectionistic when it comes to relationships, and I do keep that in mind when I think about forming bonds with people. I know there’s truth in what she said. At the same time, I think I just have high standards, for myself and for the people I want to be close to, and I believe that’s okay. Still, I’m not going to ignore her reflection, because I know there’s value in it. I think the key for me is to hold my standards while making sure I’m not being too rigid with them.