Too Late to Change It

I’m not sure what happened, to be honest.

It’s like another part of my brain unlocked, and I’m starting to see and realize my own responsibility in what happened.

I’m not sure what was preventing me from fully seeing it before. Maybe it was the shock and the hurt, or defenses.

I’m still struggling to form a cohesive thought around it because I feel like I’m being stretched in two directions at the same time, maybe even more than two.

But my words and my actions caused the termination.

I obviously hit a boundary for her that she couldn’t work with anymore, and while I wanted, and even expected, a more gentle termination, that doesn’t mean I was owed that.

I am flooding with shame around my mental health and around my own patterns of behavior. It’s hard to look at my reflection and not feel like a bad person when the fog settles.