Monday Thoughts

I’m not sure what’s going on with my inability to sleep or eat. I took medicine last night and I couldn’t stay asleep for more than two hours and this has been going on for a week. I’m trying to track the things that may be the cause, like I took my testosterone shot, but I take that every ten days and this seems to happen every few months… at least it feels that way. I haven’t exactly kept track of how often it happens. I’m running on fumes. The eating… that’s not something I usually struggle with, but the act of chewing and swallowing food has been difficult. I might need to get some meal replacement shakes if it doesn’t ease up in the next few days. Oddly enough, I’m feeling a lot more connected to myself than I have been, even with the lack of sleep and food. The only other thing I cand think of that may be causing sleep issues is the fact that I have been vaping. I couldn’t stop smoking cigarettes, so I switched to vaping because I’m not fond of smelling like an ashtray. I want to quit altogether, but I’ll admit it’s a vice that is helping me stay regulated right now. Maybe once things don’t feel so heavy I’ll be able to step back from it. At least switching to vaping has helped ease the shame I feel for starting again. I also quit drinking, so things are getting better in terms of letting go of unhealthy coping.

Flashbacks have been more active lately. Thankfully they are short lived and don’t really cause me much distress for long. I’m sure this is because of therapy. (them being more active) Dredging through emotions tends to bring more to the surface. What’s that saying, “sometimes things get worse before they get better”? That’s what I’ve been holding in mind as I continue to show up and try to work through everything.

My depression has eased up too, which I’m grateful for. I’m starting to think about looking for a job that pays more, but this has been my only job since I started working and making such a big change carries a lot of fear for me. There is also the fact that I have health insurance that is pretty much unheard of nowadays… and I’m not sure I could give that up.

I think that’s all my random thoughts for now. I’m just going to try to keep focusing on putting one foot in front of the other and maybe trying to work past my fear.