Tender Reminder

When it comes to my mental health, there are a lot of things I won’t talk about out loud.

There are a lot of things I won’t even allow myself to think about, because the moment I do, I start to panic.

And I just want other people out there to know that it’s normal for things to feel messy and unclear,

to not know what is what.

To not know the exact cause of every symptom,

or the reason why certain things are happening.

I used to drive myself up a wall trying to untwist everything.

I’d buy book after book after book

and research through the night into the early morning hours,

until I’d exhaust myself,

or run myself dry of emotion,

and then have to take a break just to restart the cycle all over again.

Through my research, I was hoping to find an exact label.

An exact name I could place, an exact reason.

But the truth is, when you’ve been living 32 years with compounding symptoms,

and shaping your life around them,

the answers aren’t clear cut.

They usually don’t have some exact, cookie-cutter label.

And look,

I still get caught in it from time to time,

especially when certain symptoms increase or show up again.

But I think it’s important to pay attention and realize when trying to figure something out is actually making things worse.

There’s no harm in trying to untangle the knots.

Just don’t get caught in them during the process.

Saying that as a reminder to myself, too.

💛 Sending love.