Session Two

I have my second session with my new therapist tomorrow and I have absolutely zero clue what to talk about. First sessions are usually a little easier on my nerves because they tend to be more structured and the therapist tends to ask more questions.

Second sessions, though, feel like stepping into a room I don’t quite know how to fill. It’s like the structure dissolves and I’m supposed to just talk about my week. But I don’t even know where my week went. I barely remember enough of it to piece together something coherent, and even if I could, I don’t think I have it in me to start there.

I could reread my blog posts from the past week, but to be honest, I don’t have the energy. And even when I do read them, I don’t connect to the writing. It’s strange because I know I wrote those words, but they don’t feel like they’re a part of me. It’s like reading someone else’s life that I vaguely recognize but can’t quite step into.

It’s crazy how it’s like partway through the week, the connection cord just gets cut. Everything behind me turns into a distant fog where I might remember the themes of what happened, but not the actual moments. And even those themes only exist because I wrote them down.

It feels like when you drop something in a pool and you can’t quite reach it, so you keep stretching as much as you can, trying to grab it but the water just takes it away.

You can see it.

You know it’s there.

But it’s just out of reach.

Authors Note:

I’m nervous but I think telehealth is helping a little bit. The fact that I’m not in the same room as them helps me feel more at ease. If this works out, I’ll probably invest in some hand buzz things because I really just don’t enjoy having to tap my body for EMDR. I can’t focus on that and whatever else I’m supposed to be doing at the same time.