Quiet Strength

Lately I’ve been struggling not to let the fact that I can’t seem to find someone to help me convince me that I’m the worst person walking this earth.

Part of me really believes that must be true — that if I were easier to help, easier to sit with, I wouldn’t be here again, starting over.

But I’m trying to remind myself of something that’s also true:

most of the time, I’ve been the one walking away.

And sometimes, it’s been mutual.

That matters.

Because walking away isn’t always a failure.

Sometimes it’s knowing enough about yourself to say, this isn’t the right fit.

A year ago, I wouldn’t have done that. I would’ve twisted myself into knots trying to become the version of me I thought would make it work.

I would’ve turned it inward — made it about what I needed to fix or change — instead of just accepting that something doesn’t have to be bad to not be right.

That’s progress, even if it doesn’t feel like it.

Still, part of me wonders if I just don’t know how to “do therapy” anymore.

I catch myself walking in thinking, I don’t want to talk about my day. Just help my body understand that I’m okay.

And that’s not something I can do on my own.

I know I’ve talked about doing somatic work by myself, but if I’m being honest, a trained professional had to teach me how to take it slow — how to notice external sensations before I could even begin to approach the internal ones.

I can’t do that alone.

Maybe I need to take a break.

Maybe that’s not giving up — maybe it’s just stopping the cycle long enough to breathe.

Because the truth is, I don’t have options in this area anymore. Stigma and preconceived notions exist — but I also have to own my part.

I still need to learn how to respond instead of react.

Because reacting burns bridges and gives people a piece of you to make judgments of. Responding at least shows who you are.

I’m trying to respond now — even if it’s not something everyone understands or agrees with.

If this scares professionals off from working with me, then they aren’t the right one to start with.

And just because I speak up when I’m harmed by someone doesn’t mean I’m out to destroy their reputation.

If someone’s actions being spoken out loud has a consequence, that consequence is theirs — not mine.

Even if I can’t fully believe that yet, I’m going to keep repeating it until I do.

Thank you to the professionals who showed me kindness and gentleness on this journey —

for you are the ones who have made it possible for me to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

It didn’t go unnoticed.