Knowing but Not Feeling

Have you ever been so sleep deprived that you’re in a perpetual state of sweat?

That’s where I am.

You would think being exhausted both physically and mentally would let me sleep through the night.

But no.

The universe insists that I be up… and I don’t know why.

If something catastrophic happens, all I’m going to do is stare into the abyss while it happens.

I can’t tell you the number of times something that requires action happens and I’m left frozen in place while my wife is yelling at me to snap out of it.

Anyway, I’m chugging down a Monster so I can get through my day in a semi-functional state.

I feel hopeless and at the bottom of the pit, and I know the lack of sleep isn’t helping me regulate.

I just feel alone.

Sometimes I end up like this ...where I can’t really see a point to anything in my life.

I know it’ll pass, but while it’s here, it consumes me.

It holds me still, keeps me from moving forward.

I think part of it is the upcoming first therapy session this week.

I’m scared.

I’m scared of it not working out… but I’m also scared that it does.

And then there’s the guilt, being stuck in this state while I have clean air to breathe, fresh water to drink, a roof over my head, a spouse who loves me, and an abundance of other reasons to have a good outlook on life.

To be happy.

Sometimes I wonder if I want to be stuck in this loop… because if I didn’t, wouldn’t I be out of it by now?

But I know that’s depression talking.

That’s the voice that tells me it’s my fault.

Logic can exist and still not be felt. That’s the tragedy of trauma.

Knowing but not feeling.

Existing but not living.

Being here and being away.

Authors Note:

I'll be okay. It's just a rougher time, but it'll pass.