Honest Mirror

I came across a reel that asked: Would you date you?

For those who just want the short version, the answer is no … I wouldn’t.

For those who want the deeper look, get cozy and keep reading.

I have some good qualities in me, but none of them are consistent. So any good quality I have gets watered down by the simple fact that I never know when I’ll actually be showing up as that version of myself.

This isn’t a self-deprecating post. It’s a realistic one.

On my good days, I think I am someone I’d want to date. Someone easy to love, easy to admire, easy to spend time with. Someone who feels like home.

But my good days are sparse. Most of the time, I’m just trying to hold myself together. And that leaves very little room for showing up with the qualities that make someone feel cared for or wanted.

One of my biggest goals in life is to become someone I’d want to find in another person.

Not by changing my core. Not the quiet, reserved guy who loves to read and watch horror films, who hikes and writes bad poetry, who loves animals and listens to music that speaks to his soul. Those parts I like.

What I want is to consistently show up with the values I already hold. To live them, not just believe in them.

The day I realized I’m not good at making the people I love feel loved was the day I broke my own heart. Because I never wanted to become the very thing that broke me.

That’s why I’m in therapy.

To learn how to show up better.

To learn how to be who I want to be …

not who my nervous system wants me to be.

Author’s Note:

This isn’t a post about self-loathing. It’s about self-awareness and the gap between who I am and who I want to be. I think learning to see that gap without shame is part of the work.