From Then to Now

My last post got me thinking about my journey from the moment I was first diagnosed with complex trauma and PTSD to where I am now and everything it’s taken to get here. I’ll share the highlights for now and maybe go into more detail another time.

I showed up to my first individual therapy session absolutely terrified.

Barely able to speak, barely able to make eye contact.

I don’t remember how many sessions in it was, but I remember my therapist, after listening to me talk about my flashbacks and self-blame, give me a name for what I was experiencing.

I don’t think either of us were prepared for the months that would follow: me spiraling in and out of shame and denial.

I couldn’t even use the word PTSD, or flashback, or even acknowledge trauma without an immense amount of shame followed by strong denial. This went on for years, and honestly, still does sometimes.

Not so much the shame piece anymore… but the denial still sneaks in.

And maybe that means the shame is still there, just hiding more quietly than before.

My therapist reminded me over and over and over again that it wasn’t my fault, that I wasn’t the cause. She worked with me on this for almost three years, and she did a good job helping me wash away some of those protective layers that were actually keeping me from healing. I can still hear her voice from the day I showed up crying, thinking I was crazy, and she told me, “Christian, you aren’t crazy.” Those words still echo in my head and heart and send tears spilling from my eyes, because in that moment, I felt seen better than I could see myself.

My rumination, my endless belief that I was the flaw, I was the cause of my flashbacks, kept me trapped in that loop for days at a time.

I didn’t realize how much my reaction to them was making it all worse.

Today, I can go weeks without a single flashback.

And when they do happen, I mostly know it’s not my fault.

I have tools now to help me out of them.

And I try to acknowledge the emotional toll they take (most of the time, at least).

I’ve come so far since that very first therapy session.

And you know what?

Today, I’m going to be fucking proud of myself for that.

My guy…you’re getting through it.

Even if it’s still painful.

You’re fucking growing.