A Quiet Kind of Wanting

I don’t really know how I feel today.

I do know I enjoyed not having to hit the ground running this morning. We gained an hour yesterday, and by enjoyed, I mean I actually took a moment to think…wow, I’m up and not running late.

Anyone who knows me knows I’m definitely not a person who’s late to anything… usually. My one exception? If you schedule something in the morning. Christian will either be exactly on time or five minutes to an hour late, depending on whether my body decided to hear the alarm or not. Beyond that, I’m usually the person who gets there thirty minutes early. Shout out to my mom for that one. 🤣

It’s been a rough start as far as executive functioning goes. One of those “force myself to do everything” kinds of days, where simple tasks feel like mountains. But I’m doing it.

What’s been running through my mind most of the morning is this urge to run away.

Not from my wife or my fur babies, but from the area, the familiarity, the sameness. I want to just drive until I stumble upon a small, quiet town with purpose woven into it. A job that feels meaningful but calm. A community that feels like home.

But then there’s this other part of me, the one dulled by my need for safety, that craves the exact opposite. A huge city with live plays every night, music in the streets, murals on every wall. I want to feel alive.

Right now, I don’t.

I just feel like I’m here. Existing.

And I know deep down that it’s not just about where I am or what I’m doing. I think part of me knows this is just my body doing its thing…moving through another rhythm of disconnection. But that doesn’t stop me from daydreaming about a life where this isn’t how I feel.