A Lens I Didn’t Know I Was In

It’s gut punching to realize how narrowed my lens has been… and how I didn’t see that my emails were coming across as accusations until now.

I think that’s why my biggest lesson has been, regulate before communicating.

Because a lot of what I was trying to do was hand her what my brain was telling me and I didn’t do a good job at making that clear.

I am honestly embarrassed about everything and I wish I understood why it consistently takes me so long to fully understand things.

I try so hard to stay in control of myself and then things like this happen and I feel like I’m a kid again.

I’m not saying this to justify my actions, I know it’s on me to do better…

I just don’t understand why I reacted this way.

I mean I sort of do from a logical standpoint but another part of me doesn’t get it.

It feels like I’m not really there, idk.

I am holding a lot of regret, guilt and confusion.

The confusion is me trying to figure out why I can be caught deeply inside of a frame of mind and not be able to see out of it until days like today where it suddenly happens.

I’m trying to battle the shame that’s flooding me, and it’s hard, because realizing this, makes me want to disappear more than anything.