When the Room Stops Feeling Safe

I’m trying really hard to think about what I need in therapy right now.

I’ve been reflecting on the past couple of therapists I’ve seen.

I caught myself realizing that I don’t really want to take their grounding suggestions anymore.

Not because I think grounding doesn’t help.

But because I just don’t feel safe in the room.

And I’m not going to listen to someone I don’t feel some level of safety with.

So maybe that’s my first goal:

to feel safe enough with them before anything else.

But even the thought of saying that out loud fills me with fear.

Because if I tell the next therapist that I don’t feel safe,

then what?

Do I have to explain why?

Do I have to tell them what happened?

I don’t want to.

Because the moment I do,

it feels like there’s a preconception,

like I become “an issue.”

And I’m not.

I’m just someone who’s been hurt, who has been the person who causes hurt and is still trying.

I want someone to give me a chance

to show the parts of me that are good,

even if I can be hard to work with sometimes.

I am trying so hard to do better.

To be better.

To show up better.

But I’m scared I won’t actually be seen.

And I think this is why I get so angry

at the person who hurt me the way they did,

because I’m living with this really fractured sense within me right now,

and it’s not something I can just logic my way out of.

It’s had real consequences that I have to work through.

With no apology.

No accountability.

Almost like a repeat of what brought me to therapy in the first place.

And so I’m angry that I’m stuck with something I didn’t fucking ask for.

Because the way they chose to handle things

has made therapy feel like a space that now sets my body on edge.

It’s become part of what makes me feel out of control, panicked, or shut down.

And my body has always somewhat felt this way, it’s just now so amplified that it’s hard for me to even push through it.

It’s reshaped me in ways I don’t yet understand.

And I’m not sure what the lesson is in all this.

The first time I felt pain from a termination, there were lessons.

Growth, perspective, something to hold onto.

This time, it’s just pain.

And maybe a reminder that anyone can do anything at any given time,

and that words and actions don’t always promise the future you thought they did.

Author’s Note

Anger doesn’t mean I hate them or think they are a bad person.

My anger is coming from the lack of accountability or apology and the pain that I am left with.

The way they chose to handle things has left it so that therapy is no longer what it once was for me.

I still see all the good they did and their clinical skills, but I do feel like they failed me.

I do feel like they did harm to me that could have been prevented.