Hoping for a Better Day

I may be seeing someone new next week.

I was referred to a therapist for couples counseling who so far is absolutely amazing. My wife and I both love sessions with her. She’s actually helping me see what it feels like to have a good fit again.

At the same time, it’s a little different showing up individually. My wife has always made me feel safer in the world, so couples therapy has always been a lot easier. I think mostly because I don’t have to do as much talking. But even during my individual session, it felt very easy and natural to speak with her.

Anyway, I reached out to a therapist within the same practice, and we should be meeting next week. I’m scared. I don’t know. I just have this heavy feeling. I’m not sure if it’s shame or fear or what it is, but I just don’t feel good enough to be a client. Or like I’m too much to handle, too much stress to take on.

I also find myself getting scared off really easily.

I guess it’s good that I’m noticing it,

maybe that means I can try to stop it from happening this time. But I’m not so sure. When it happens, it’s like my whole body is just gone, and before I even realize it, I’m out the door and not going back.

I don’t really know what it is, but my panic attacks have started again and I’m not having a good time.

I’m hoping for a better day tomorrow.

And I’m hoping this time is different than what it’s been like lately.