Hope’s Agility

This last therapy experience has left me feeling ashamed of my attachment style.

I don’t want to be, because I know it’s not something we get to choose, and I know I’m really trying my best to unravel all of the protective behaviors I have.

But I can’t help but feel kind of grossed out by myself.

I’m struggling to feel like a good person right now.

And I don’t know how to believe anyone could ever really care, or be able to stick around long enough for me to learn how to unravel it all.

I’m not feeling much anger today about the way things ended.

It’s more of a deep, emotional ache, for letting her in so much, for believing I was with someone I could trust to help me.

And then she did the exact opposite.

It hurts to accept that I thought I mattered, only to realize I didn’t.

It hurts to realize how stupid that left me feeling.

How it’s made me question if I even know how to be honest, or how to show up as myself and still get help.

I feel nauseous thinking about how maybe I was always looked at as some client she dreaded working with.

My feelings are hurt.

But more than that, my faith in this profession is fragile.

Even looking at reviews of businesses now has me wondering how many professionals are out there doing the same thing.

I go in and out of having any sort of hope for my future.

And I wonder if every therapist I’ve worked with has felt the same way.

If I’m just someone not worth it.

Too fucked up to help.

Authors note:

I’m aware of how cynical and dramatic this sounds and I just don’t care. It’s how I feel. Writing this authors note I do feel some anger. Because I hate that I’m having to feel this at all.