Grieving the Grief

(is this metawarness?) 🤨

I know I’m not the only person who’s probably felt this way.

I know there are others out there who’ve had this same ache.

But it still feels ridiculous …to grieve the thought of losing grief.

It’s like, in my mind, if the grief ends, the connection ends too.

And I don’t want that.

I don’t want to stop caring.

I don’t want to stop feeling connected.

So here I am again, hiding in the bathroom until the crying stops.

Trying to get through the wave without completely breaking apart.

And then comes the shame.

The shame that I still feel this deeply.

The shame that it still hurts this much.

Sometimes it feels like I’d rather stay in the pain than let it go.

Because if I let it go, what’s left?

What if that means the love disappears too?

I know it sounds irrational, but I’m clinging to something that keeps shredding me apart.

And that’s where I am right now, caught between wanting relief and not wanting to lose what the grief still connects me to.

And a quiet, very small part of me thinks…

as long as I feel this love,

she won’t forget me too.