After session thoughts 2/9/26

My session went well. Unfortunately, taking medication pulled me out of the state I was in, which made it harder to access all of the thoughts I had been holding. Still, the session was productive, and I left with two question marks to chew on.

Lately, I’ve been trying to figure out how to make sense of everything in a way that doesn’t feel chaotic. Right now, I’m holding the edge of the rope, but it’s tangled. And if I don’t plan at least some structure, I know I’ll get lost in it and end up reactivated again.

One of the questions is this: why is the hook still in me around the termination? What keeps pulling me back to it?

The other question is about the website itself. That one feels like it can wait. I think I need to understand the first question before I can really touch the second.

To add some structure and actually get the information out of me, I’m thinking about doing a thought map or something similar. I need a way to lay things out so I can see them, instead of just feeling pulled by them.

There’s one thing I do know.

I wish I wouldn’t have reacted to the termination the way I did.

I do believe my experience deserves space and deserves to be known. But I’m not proud of how I went about it in the beginning, and I wish I could apologize to her for that. That’s not how I want to treat people.

I also want to acknowledge that given the state I was in, and what was happening surrounding me trying to share my experience, I understand why things escalated the way they did. And I think while someone who can regulate well probably would have managed to do better, I know that people who struggle in the same ways as me probably would have felt backed into a corner and reacted similarly. I’m trying to hold myself accountable while also trying to be kind to myself, because I am trying to believe the core of me wants to do the right thing when given the chance.

Today in session, I think it may have been the first time I cried for the loss of that therapist’s support. I had so much pain and shame around it that it was hard to access the grief. I’m really tired of grieving, though. And I’m tired of trying to figure things out while also trying to build trust in myself and my ability to see things clearly.

I will probably share my thought map. I think it could be helpful for other people having to navigate complex situations, with contradicting thoughts and emotions.

It'll probably take some time to get it fully down, so I may share it in pieces as I work through it or I may wait until I have it finished.

If I keep it basic for now, these are the thoughts I’m holding:

I brought up a concern. I brought up not feeling safe. I did let her know the thoughts going through my head, but I was not stating them as fact. I was expecting a discussion to take place in session around everything I shared with her.

(I understand that the way I said it in the email may not have translated to how I meant it).

While she had every right to decide that she could no longer ethically hold space for me, I do believe the way the termination was handled was poorly done, and careless.

I am holding anger and grief, and more emotions that I don't have a name for at this time.

I also feel that whoever was behind the escalation of reviews to try to cover up my experience, and the same person who chose to tell me it was my fault in response to my Reddit review, showed questionable ethics and values. That response added to the feeling of being silenced and being told that what happened was my fault. I think this contributed to the psychological pain just as much as the termination itself.

Sharing an experience should not have turned into being dogpiled.

I should also be able to talk publicly about and market the resource I’m building without the same person attempting to discredit it simply because they don’t like that I shared my experience. That kind of response feels retaliatory, and ethically and morally questionable given the position they hold.