Forever Learning Too Late

I’m having a hard time right now with letting go of the fact that there’s not much chance for my ex and I working things out in a way that puts us back into each other’s lives as romantic partners.

We had a heart to heart where she told me she doesn’t know when she fell out of love with me, but it’s been for some time. That’s fair. I haven’t really been much of a partner to be in love with.

I think it still hurts even though I know a lot of the downfall is on me. I made a lot of decisions that weren’t decisions a good partner would make. And now I have to live with the consequences of that… and it’s not easy.

It is quietly breaking my heart.

But I’m sure I quietly broke hers, and that’s why that specific kind of love no longer exists in her for me.

All I can do is try to remember this moment. These many moments. The lessons of what not to do.

I think a big part of me is also heartbroken from myself.

From not living up to who I want to be.

Especially who I want to be for the people that matter to me.

And how to behave in a way that shows that, with consistency.

I’m struggling tonight.

With regret.

With guilt.

And probably some shame too.

It’s hard to stomach saying goodbye to 14 years of love.

And in a way, I’m not saying goodbye completely.

We are still good friends.

We still share love in a different form… but it’s not the same.

It’s hard for me to type this, because all I can think is…

I’ve been here so many times.

Regretting everything after it’s too late.

Wondering why I choose to have to learn lessons the hard way.

Why I can’t be better than I am.

And it makes me feel sick.

What’s wrong with me?

That’s the central question in my head right now.

And the central statement is:

“You’re a piece of shit, Christian.”

I know that might not be the full reality of myself, but it feels like it.

I also don’t feel like I have the right to mourn the relationship or feel this pain because it’s my own fault.

And I’m struggling to feel like I can be good.