Losing My Religion: What It’s Been Like Growing Up Catholic and Becoming Atheist

I grew up Catholic.

Every Sunday morning meant pews, sermons, and ritual. For a long time, I didn’t question it—faith was something you inherited, not something you chose. It was part of who we were, part of what made a “good person.”

But as I got older—and as I started realizing who I was—things shifted. Slowly, painfully.

When I came out as gay, I wasn’t directly told I didn’t belong. Nobody said the words to my face. Instead, it came in softer daggers—phrases like, “It’s not a sin to be gay, but it’s a sin to act on it.”

Those words weren’t loving guidance; they were quiet exiles.

And the truth is, I’m not just gay. I’m pansexual and I’m transgender. Over the years, watching hate pour from the lips of Christians—some of the same people who once smiled at me on Sunday mornings—turned something in me. It made me wary. It made me angry. It made me want nothing to do with church, or with anyone who spoke of God.

For a long time, I didn’t trust anyone who called themselves Christian. I didn’t trust that their love included me. It took years to even begin to believe that someone could hold faith in God and still see me fully, without judgment, without whispering about me behind closed doors.

The Turning Point

Atheism didn’t come overnight.

It started in a college World Civilizations class.

I learned about how gods were once luxuries of the wealthy—how religion often grew out of the human need to explain what couldn’t be explained. Storms, droughts, floods—these were terrifying, and gods became a way to make sense of chaos.

Then came Jesus—the first “god for the poor.” And somewhere in that history lesson, I stopped believing. The idea of divine power started to feel more like a human coping mechanism than a universal truth.

Essentially, it was a story created by people trying to survive the devastation of the world around them.

Morality Without God

One of the biggest realizations I’ve had since leaving the church is how many Christians believe that morals and values come from Christianity. And maybe for them, that’s true.

But the assumption that anyone who doesn’t believe in a higher power lacks values or morals is simply wrong.

Some of the kindest, most ethical people I’ve ever met have had no connection to faith or religion at all. Their compassion didn’t come from fear of punishment or promise of heaven—it came from empathy, integrity, and a desire to make life less painful for others.

Learning to Trust Again

Even now, I’m still guarded.

I tense up when someone says they’re religious. I wait for the moment they tell me I’m living in sin, or that I’m “confused,” or that they’ll “pray for me.”

But I’m also learning—slowly—that not everyone who believes in God uses their beliefs to wound. Some people truly live by the compassion they preach. Some know that kindness doesn’t need conditions.

And while I no longer believe in God, I do believe in people—flawed, searching, and capable of incredible good without needing divine permission to do so.