Logic VS Panic

I’m not doing good today.

I keep having panic attacks thinking my therapist is going to terminate with me.

And the frustrating part is… she hasn’t done anything that would make me think that.

Nothing actually points to that being real.

She cancelled because she was sick.

She emailed.

She rescheduled.

She was normal.

I know that.

But my brain doesn’t care about the logic.

I noticed the calendar changes, I noticed the cancellation, and my brain just went straight to

“you’re going to be dropped.”

I’m sensitive to the smallest changes that other people wouldn’t even blink at.

Like seeing next week disappear from the calendar, and then once she cancelled yesterday, she added me back to next week and deleted the following one.

Maybe she moved her vacation time around because she got sick.

Maybe it was just scheduling.

Maybe it was nothing.

Whatever the reason is, it’s none of my business and I know that.

And I also know that this is part of why I’m reacting the way I am.

I wish knowing all of that could stop the panic.

Stop the fear.

Stop the crying.

But it doesn’t.

I’m still stuck.

Still scared of it happening again.

Still trying to convince my brain that nothing is actually wrong while it’s convinced everything is about to fall apart.

I hate that something so small can send me here.

I have couples counseling in a few hours and I just don’t even have the spoons for it. I am depleted.